I’m all of 40 years today and contrary to what I had envisioned so many years ago of how I was going to celebrate this day (either a grand vacation or a big 4-0 party), I found myself just wanting to keep it quiet. I bought 4 nice, feel good VCDs and 3 novels, two of Paolo Coelho’s (Like the Flowing River and Brida) and one of Jeffrey Eugenides’ (Middlesex – this won a Pulitzer so it aroused my curiosity).
I took 10 days off from work starting last Friday, June 6, to be with myself and Anton, though I’m highing off next weekend to Bataan with a couple of girlfriends for a change of scenery and company.
Of the 40 years that I've lived, it was the past 10 years that had been quite significant. It was marked by hellos and goodbyes:
I lost my maternal Lola in 2001 to Leukemia. We were very close and I was devastated when she died. She knew everything that was going on with my life then, a lot more than my mother. Days after we accompanied her to her final resting place, I still couldn’t find my appetite… couldn’t sleep. If she were still alive, she’d go crazy over Anton. I continue to miss her.
Meeting R soon after I lost my Lola was Heaven sent. He took such good care of me that I wanted to be with him forever and ever. We had so many good times, supported each other’s endeavors, was each other’s confidante when things didnt do too well at work or with family. He made me smile and how he made me laugh! Then in late 2004, he drifted away. I was confused and heartbroken, but I let him go. I kept crying for a time and I yearned for my lola’s warm presence all over again. That’s when I started this blog.
In 2005, I left EPCIB to work for an SPV company. This career move saw my bank account grow by Leaps and Bounds. But as everyone already knows, the hefty pay check comes with a great deal of stress and mental fatigue.
It was in the same year that I got to know TB a little bit more and, against my better judgement, (which I think I also posted here sometime in ‘05), crossed the line and became the girl who was good to be around with, while the girlfriend was working overseas. As months past, we grew closer and I made no secret how I felt for him. Now that the girlfriend is back, things are no longer the same between us, (as to be expected), and no matter how I think he tries to keep things the same, eventually, like R, we will just drift apart. Its inevitable. The changes are already happening. There are times I no longer feel like responding to his text messages, but for the sake of the friendship that he wants from me, I remain accordingly. Will see for how long I can keep this up.
I became a single mother in August 2007. After the initial fears and concerns, I can no longer imagine life without my Anton. He has brought new meaning to my life, has altered my status. I am a MOTHER. And I love him to pieces.
I now look forward to the next 10 years, years that will be punctuated by Anton’s milestones and a story….a story that goes like this:
“A rose dreamed day and night about bees, but no bee ever landed on her petals. The flower, however, continued to dream. During the long nights, she imagined a heaven full of bees, which flew down to bestow fond kisses on her. By doing this, she was able to last until the next day, when she opened again to the light of the sun.
One night, the moon, who knew of the rose’s loneliness, asked: ’Aren’t you tired of waiting?’
‘Possibly, but I have to keep trying.’
‘Why?’
‘Because if I don’t remain open, I will simply fade away.’ “
I need to grow a new heart, a much stronger one. I don't think I can survive another R or TB episode.
I took 10 days off from work starting last Friday, June 6, to be with myself and Anton, though I’m highing off next weekend to Bataan with a couple of girlfriends for a change of scenery and company.
Of the 40 years that I've lived, it was the past 10 years that had been quite significant. It was marked by hellos and goodbyes:
I lost my maternal Lola in 2001 to Leukemia. We were very close and I was devastated when she died. She knew everything that was going on with my life then, a lot more than my mother. Days after we accompanied her to her final resting place, I still couldn’t find my appetite… couldn’t sleep. If she were still alive, she’d go crazy over Anton. I continue to miss her.
Meeting R soon after I lost my Lola was Heaven sent. He took such good care of me that I wanted to be with him forever and ever. We had so many good times, supported each other’s endeavors, was each other’s confidante when things didnt do too well at work or with family. He made me smile and how he made me laugh! Then in late 2004, he drifted away. I was confused and heartbroken, but I let him go. I kept crying for a time and I yearned for my lola’s warm presence all over again. That’s when I started this blog.
In 2005, I left EPCIB to work for an SPV company. This career move saw my bank account grow by Leaps and Bounds. But as everyone already knows, the hefty pay check comes with a great deal of stress and mental fatigue.
It was in the same year that I got to know TB a little bit more and, against my better judgement, (which I think I also posted here sometime in ‘05), crossed the line and became the girl who was good to be around with, while the girlfriend was working overseas. As months past, we grew closer and I made no secret how I felt for him. Now that the girlfriend is back, things are no longer the same between us, (as to be expected), and no matter how I think he tries to keep things the same, eventually, like R, we will just drift apart. Its inevitable. The changes are already happening. There are times I no longer feel like responding to his text messages, but for the sake of the friendship that he wants from me, I remain accordingly. Will see for how long I can keep this up.
I became a single mother in August 2007. After the initial fears and concerns, I can no longer imagine life without my Anton. He has brought new meaning to my life, has altered my status. I am a MOTHER. And I love him to pieces.
I now look forward to the next 10 years, years that will be punctuated by Anton’s milestones and a story….a story that goes like this:
“A rose dreamed day and night about bees, but no bee ever landed on her petals. The flower, however, continued to dream. During the long nights, she imagined a heaven full of bees, which flew down to bestow fond kisses on her. By doing this, she was able to last until the next day, when she opened again to the light of the sun.
One night, the moon, who knew of the rose’s loneliness, asked: ’Aren’t you tired of waiting?’
‘Possibly, but I have to keep trying.’
‘Why?’
‘Because if I don’t remain open, I will simply fade away.’ “
I need to grow a new heart, a much stronger one. I don't think I can survive another R or TB episode.
Happy Birthday, Ton. May you have more birthdays to come and know that someday, someone will walk into your life that will make you realize why it never worked out with anyone else.