I read somewhere that Silence is a form of healing. It has found its way and finally taking its rightful place between TB and me.
When previously the word distance meant the land mass between Manila and Cebu, now it also means withholding one’s self emotionally....to protect against further damage. Gone are the days when TB and I would share stories everyday, send kilometric text messages and pictures through MMS, burn the phonelines for more than an hour, piling the other with topic after topic. All of these were what we used to be.
When previously the word distance meant the land mass between Manila and Cebu, now it also means withholding one’s self emotionally....to protect against further damage. Gone are the days when TB and I would share stories everyday, send kilometric text messages and pictures through MMS, burn the phonelines for more than an hour, piling the other with topic after topic. All of these were what we used to be.
The text messages are sparse now (almost non-existent during regular and long weekends) and I only text back when prompted. Sometimes, I can't help associating the texting to how you would treat a dog, how you just need to pat it once in a while, enough to recognize you so that it won't bark, and to keep it happy. Our middle ground is that I will just take TB's lead in the management of our friendship. I no longer ask personal questions, whereabouts, weekend gimmick. Whatever for? Some of the answers may not be to my liking and get me once again into a tailspin of hurt.
In the 3 years that we were “together”, no one has gotten close to me the way TB did. But now, the feeling of having a special friend is slowly disappearing, no longer fueled by the need to bond, as gauged by his words, “will text when I can”, which obviously, as the months pass with spending more and more time re-connecting (literaly and figuratively) with his girlfriend, is no longer doable. He was recently in Manila for a brief stay before going off to an Ilocos Road trip and never bothered to text “Hi”. Little things that I thought defined our closeness is apparently no longer of consequence now. I didn't invite him to Anton's birthday lunch and kiddie party and its ironic that only a year ago, he flew to Manila the day after Anton was born to see him.
Its true. People come into your life with various reasons and after the purpose has been served, they move on.
I continue to miss TB with the intensity felt by someone who shared so much of herself, but as with anyone who has gone through the same thing, the only avenue I know to manage such emotion is to redirect it towards work and my son. It also helps to think of him as already being married to his girlfriend (bakit, hindi pa ba??). Married men are definitely off-limits (unless one is an unhappy wife in need of some ego-boosting or girls looking out for a good time).
A well-meaning friend said that I should not build an emotional wall around myself and not to use Anton as an excuse.
Moving forward in this regard is still quite sluggish, but hey, give me time. I’m neither here nor there.
And yes, as this piece is entitled "In Requiem", when the last day comes, I don't see myself flying down south to pay my last respects. I'm sure he'll understand.
In the 3 years that we were “together”, no one has gotten close to me the way TB did. But now, the feeling of having a special friend is slowly disappearing, no longer fueled by the need to bond, as gauged by his words, “will text when I can”, which obviously, as the months pass with spending more and more time re-connecting (literaly and figuratively) with his girlfriend, is no longer doable. He was recently in Manila for a brief stay before going off to an Ilocos Road trip and never bothered to text “Hi”. Little things that I thought defined our closeness is apparently no longer of consequence now. I didn't invite him to Anton's birthday lunch and kiddie party and its ironic that only a year ago, he flew to Manila the day after Anton was born to see him.Its true. People come into your life with various reasons and after the purpose has been served, they move on.
I continue to miss TB with the intensity felt by someone who shared so much of herself, but as with anyone who has gone through the same thing, the only avenue I know to manage such emotion is to redirect it towards work and my son. It also helps to think of him as already being married to his girlfriend (bakit, hindi pa ba??). Married men are definitely off-limits (unless one is an unhappy wife in need of some ego-boosting or girls looking out for a good time).
A well-meaning friend said that I should not build an emotional wall around myself and not to use Anton as an excuse.
Moving forward in this regard is still quite sluggish, but hey, give me time. I’m neither here nor there.
And yes, as this piece is entitled "In Requiem", when the last day comes, I don't see myself flying down south to pay my last respects. I'm sure he'll understand.
"Go tell the Spartans, strangers passing by
that here obedient to their laws, we lie."
-warrior epitaph at Thermopylae