So many times it has been said that love doesn't die when a loved one dies. Instead, we continue to love them, not only because they have been a part of our lives while they were still alive, but also because our memories of them conitnue to echo within us ever after they are long gone. All we need to do is remember, and they are right there again, with us.
When my maternal grandmother died 3 years ago (she was 82 and had leukemia), it felt like I lost my best friend. I got sick, I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep. I was missing her. She came to live with us some years after lolo died and we were roommates. Like sisters, we would talk into the night until either one falls asleep. We would talk about almost anything, some of which I didn't even share with my mother.
When I was in High School, I was a Sharon Cuneta fan, and it turned out that so was she. If there's a Sharon Cuneta flick showing in the theaters and it happens that I am in their house in Pasay, we would be in Libertad right after lunch, queueing for a theater ticket, with her leading the way. Lola even had a picture of Sharon in her room, on top of her dresser, no less! We had a tampuhan about that picture many years ago which, as far as I can remember, went something like this:
14-yr old Ton : Bakit si Sharon nasa Tokador mo, La, hindi ako?
62-yr old Lola Scion: Kasi natutuwa ako sa kanya.
Ton : Hindi ba kayo natutuwa sa akin?
Lola : Natutuwa ako sa kanya kasi mahusay siyang umawit at umarte.
Iba ka naman. Ikaw, lab ka ng lola kahit pasaway ka minsan.
Ton : So, san ang picture ko?
62-yr old Lola Scion: Kasi natutuwa ako sa kanya.
Ton : Hindi ba kayo natutuwa sa akin?
Lola : Natutuwa ako sa kanya kasi mahusay siyang umawit at umarte.
Iba ka naman. Ikaw, lab ka ng lola kahit pasaway ka minsan.
Ton : So, san ang picture ko?
Whereupon, she got her wallet and showed me a worn Kodak photo of a chubby toddler in her arms reaching out for the leaves hanging on some tree. 1969, it said at the back. She said Lolo took the photo. "Itong litrato natin, kahit saan ako magpunta, dala ko. Si Sharon, hanggang tokador lang. Ikaw eh, hindi mo ako binibigyan ng bagong litrato."
From then on, I made sure that she always had an updated photo of me in her wallet. High School grad pic...College grad pic...MBA Grad pic...even kengkoy shots. When we buried her 3 years ago in Loyola in Sucat, you bet my picture got buried in the casket in there with her.
I know she knows that I miss her, yep even until now. She saw me during the best and worst time of my life and during those lowest moments, I clung to her presence. Her being there, listening to me and holding my hand was already enough, with the occasional, "that good for nothing bast...!!!" thrown in between (you wouldn't want to read the tagalog version of what she really said).
I miss you, La. I miss your hearty laugh, miss you calling me in the office just to say I love you, miss watching you prepare kare-kare the old way and your spicey chicken curry, I miss seeing you doing your little jiggy dance when you try on a new outfit or a new pair of eyeglasses. I miss watching you dress up for a Mahjong session in BF. I miss us laughing together while listening to the radio program of Tita Swarding on your "transistor".
But most of all, I miss talking to you. I want to tell you about my new job, about Pitchet, about badminton, about things I still want to do, want to happen, insecurities, apprehensions, everything.
I love you, La, and I will always love you.