ToN's ByLiNeS

Anton the Pogi

2011-01-08T00:36:00.002+08:00

My little cute sweet boy that turns into a dennis the menace that can wear me out to shreds.

And I love him so much he makes me cry.

First Christmas Presentation

2010-12-20T14:55:00.002+08:00

Anton is already attending playskool at Little Archer's Learning Center here in our village.

So proud of my little boy, no stage fright at all!

2010-12-20T14:54:00.000+08:00

Teenage Dream

2010-11-21T00:14:00.002+08:00

This is the Gaye-est smile I have ever seen on a guy. :-) But...I so love this video. :-)

I’ll Be There For You – Aiza Seguera « Song & Lyrics

2010-11-01T23:53:00.002+08:00

I'll Be There For You - Aiza Seguerra - The most amazing home videos are here

When you wake up each mornin’
and you feel like callin’
I’ll be there for you
When the road seems uncertain
And you can’t stop the hurtin’
I’ll be there for you
When there’s no one beside you
I’ll be there to guide you
Catch you each time you fall
When the stars won’t shine anymore
I’ll be there….

When the world is unkind
And your dreams they need more time
I’ll be there for you
If the rules they keep breakin’
And the future is fadin’
I’ll be there for you
The rainbow will end in the palm of your hand
Don’t ever let it go
When the stars won’t shine anymore
I’ll be there….

Who knows where we’ll go
What will tomorrow bring
When we have each other
Just hold on tight
We can touch the skies and fly……

I’ll be there for you….

The rainbow will end in the palm of your hand
Don’t ever let it go
When the stars won’t shine anymore
I’ll be there….

I’ll be there….

Ramblings

2010-11-01T14:38:00.011+08:00

I'm not exactly sure what it is we are observing today. Is it All Soul's Day or All Saint's Day? I haven't been paying attention to the passage of time, only that Anton is getting bigger and a smart-aleck at that. He is past the Terrible 2 stage and on to More Terrible 3.

I brought home work as there are deals we need to close but couldn't get some emails through as my SMARTBRO, for some reason, is being blocked by our internal watchamacallit system in the office and I totally refuse to retype everything on Blackberry.

And so, while the work email is relegated to my Outbox, I called Salon at Home to request for some home service massage for 1.5 hours. Oh-lala! I realized though that only after putting the phone down that I remembered that mom wants me to pick her up from SM after she's through with her Santa Claus hunting. :-( Oh dear, it means having to tell the therapist to stop mid-session and wait for me to get back. :-( Oh well.

Anton is currently taking a nap without having taken a bath. Its one of those tug of war things we endure during the weekend. R-O-U-T-I-N-E. Earlier this morning while going about the usual blah, i heard the song, I'll Be There For You, sung by Aiza Seguerra. Its this mellow song that can be interpreted as a love song or a prayer. I let out a long sigh. Not that I'm complaining, but its sad to think that my situation in the "love" department, is having to "steal" TB from his Beloved and have some private time when a work opportunity arises that requires him to fly to Manila. Does that consitute as cheating?? Maybe not, the intention is just for some release anyway.

So, while waiting for my therapist to arrive, here's a splattering of photos of Anton taken last weekend in Los Banos, Laguna.

High Hopes

2010-08-24T12:29:00.001+08:00

I actually was just looking to find something that will make me smile while news of last night's hostage drama kept rewinding and rewinding on the airwaves.

This Frank Sinatra classic did the trick :-)

Gymnopedie No 1

2010-08-05T15:09:00.003+08:00

I was watching Mr. Bean on Disney Channel with Anton and the show was all about Mr. Bean wanting to learn to play the piano. He was so fixated with learning Beethoven's Symphony Number 5 but kept on hitting the wrong note. :-) In the end, he banged the piano and his old landlord lady went up to scold him. When she opened the door, Mr Bean pretended to play the piano and it was this tune that played. I loved the tune so much that I had to find out who composed it.

The name of the piano piece is Gymnopedie No 1 and it was composed by Erik Satie. Hope you like it as much as I do.

Charice - "Pyramid" featuring Iyaz - Studio Version

2010-07-18T20:57:00.001+08:00

This girl has a truly amazing voice :-)

PREQUEL /SEQUEL

2010-06-06T22:48:00.003+08:00

People have started greeting me on Facebook regardless that my birthday is still two days away. I guess the “beauty” of Facebook is having a lot more people greet you on your birthday, even people you don’t really know, only because you are neighbors in Farmville or in Café World. As it has been the case for the longest time, it will just be another day and I’ve always preferred it that way, though there is just a teeney weeney change in the routine as I will be going to Subic with mrRT. I couldn’t say no to his invite, he is making himself available the whole day for me on my Birthday and no one’s done that to me in a while. It feels nice and I appreciate it. Quiet na lang muna.

The summer heat is slowly being replaced by my favorite weather….gray skies with the hint of rain. Summer is over, school starts and we are halfway through the year..and I shall be 42 years old.

I’ve changed the routine with Anton and have started to go out on impromptu drives in and around the village during the weekends. I find that it relaxes both of us as I begin a running commentary of what we see on the road. Anton’s a chatter box and he likes to sing and dance. Children this age are so malleable, you can mold them into just about anything.

I watched my friend Jean walk down the aisle last Saturday and I got teary-eyed. I’m envious of people who have met the right ONE. I wonder if I will still be that lucky.

Afternoon with A

2010-02-07T21:23:00.004+08:00

I spent Saturday going around Glorietta looking for new office shoes, and I had my bestfriend A accompany me. It was great being able to pull her away from her BF coz we rarely get to spend time together since he came (read: he came into her life sometime 2000). Turns out that Sweety Pie is busy doing some Events thing and couldn't hang out with her, so lucky me. :-)

In between trying out shoes, we were carrying on our usual colegiala speak, updating each other on what's been happening in each other's lives. Snippets:

T: So, wedding plans????

A: Nope. We're fine the way we are.

T: His parents still in town?

A: Returned na to Guam.

T: hmmm...

(passed Sakura resto)

T: I used to meet up with M here when he feels like eating Japanese.

A: Uuuy, memories

T: Yeah, how long has it been since he passed on? 3 years?

A: I don't know Tons, he was your friend.

T: (silent)

T: I kinda stopped going to Mass

A: You of all people. Hard to believe.

T: Yeah, really.

A: What changed?

T: I think its because things don't change. So, I stopped going. Things remain the way they are anyway, whether I go or not, I pray or not.

A: You're becoming like me.

T: scary

(inside Jose)

T: Finally!! Shoes that fit well!

A: Walanghiya ka, this is not within my budget!!!!

T: Buy it na.

A: Syet. Ok. I hate you.

(inside Alberto's)

A: So, have you been flying to Cebu?

T: No

A: Accounts resolved?

T: No

A: What about your "friend"?

T: Things are not the same na, I told you, diba?

A: Is he marrying her?

T: Ambot.

A: Jerk.

(inside Kaya)

A: You order

T: What do you like?

A: Whatever you want.

T: Japchae?

A: Whatever

T: Bulgogi?

A: Fine

T: (looks around for the waiter)

A: Will smoke lang ha.

T: Whatever (smile)

And then after dinner, we went home. Its so nice spending time with A, she's the one that keeps me grounded and she makes me laugh in a weird funny way that only the two of us can understand.

Touch My Hand

2010-01-03T09:55:00.010+08:00

This song by David Archuleta has been on top of my Hit Songs for 2009. Song is sweet and speaks of first love and it helps that David Archuleta seems like the typical boy-next-door type.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kq2TvrNe_6Q

I have been trying to post the video itself here on the blog but I'm having problems uploading :-( hope this YouTube link will stay.

January 01, 2010

2010-01-01T16:58:00.008+08:00

I'd like to start off by admitting that I have turned into a Facebook GAMES addict, note the emphasis on the word GAMES. Facebook has become such an indispensable "tool" that people cannot end the day without advising their 600 friends or so about their state-of-being at any given time. "Off to Greenbelt 5 for some serious window shopping" or "Hubby and I are stuck at the SLEX for 2 hours but are having the time of our lives"... WTF??!!! Do I really need to know that?!

Anyway, as I have turned into a Facebook GAMES addict, the urge to write in my spare time has been replaced by checking up on my stoves at Cafe World, what needs to get harvested in Farmtown and Farmville and how many $$$$s I have amassed at Mob Wars. Its terrible really. A number of "friends" in my FB friends list are actually my Farmtown/Farmville/Cafe World Neighbors, the desire to rack up the points is that serious. :-)

So, 2010 is upon us and with it, the usual hopes for a better year. A significant number of events happened in the second half of 2009 which marked the year as one of the most trying in Philippine History. After a year long battle with colon cancer, former President Corazon Aquino finally succumbed to the illness last August. Shortly after her death, clamor for her only son, Noynoy, to run for President, grew. In September - October, typhoon Ondoy and Pepeng submerged a large part of Metro Manila and the Northern Luzon provinces, notably in the Cordillera region, under water. Fatalities were high and damage to crops ran in the multi millions. Days following the typhoon, any sign of gray skies made denizens of the metropolis nervous and carrying umbrellas was de riguer.

With the national elections a few months away, the race to ensure winnability commenced. In Metro Manila, the presidentiables have started releasing their ad campaigns on TV while unbeknownst to the rest of the Philippine populace, a tragedy was about to happen in Muslim Mindanao. One fine November day, a group of journalists accompanied the wife of a governor-candidate in Maguindanao together with her women friends and women relatives to the local Comelec office. Their convoy was stopped and on the spot,were all brutally murdered, according to news reports, by parties from the ruling party. International Media went up in arms as fellow journalists were found decapitated in the crime scene.

The latest tragedy to hit the news is the collision between an inter-island ferry and a fishing boat on Christmas Eve.

On a personal note, Anton turned 2 years and 4 months and is at his most terrible 2 stage. :-( He can be so tiring to take care of but he can also be extremely cute and lovable. Patience patience patience. I've also been sending out my CV and was able to secure a second panel interview with a Multi-lateral organization which I really really hope will call me to say that they're hiring me for the job.

Finally, the emotional intensity I have for TB has truly waned and I'm so glad it has finally happened. We're still friends and I'm glad that he stuck with me all throughout my hang-ups.

So, this has been what's going on with me lately. As with the advent of a new year, I hope this year will bring more pleasant tidings to each and everyone of us, personally and professionaly.

FQ and the Distance

2009-08-18T06:58:00.004+08:00

The countdown is starting. I no longer have the energy to keep up. We don't have new memories nor do we have things new to share, or rather, would want to share. On FQs part, he doesn't want to make time. On my part, I'm starting to want to care less and less.

Its the distance and the effort to keep up the energy that is starting to wind down, but a large part also due to the prodigal girlfriend.

Gone for the Weekend

2009-08-16T20:54:00.010+08:00

For a change of pace and scenery, I brought Anton to a villa for the weekend in Rosario, Batangas owned by my brother's friend's family. It's a huge farmland where the hired hands are busy harvesting papaya, mangoes and kalamansi. Only recently that the family decided to convert a portion of the vast land into a resort for additional income.
My brother encouraged me to try out the farm's spa facilities and I was glad that I did. The therapist was a local, who's husband was the barangay captain and she came to the resort using the town's service owner-type jeep, hehe. Anyway, Manang had magical hands. She kneaded my bunched-up muscles until they loosened up. The oil she used on me did not leave any greasy feeling and it smelled really nice.
Anton rode a pony for the first time and kept calling the animal " 'orse. He can't pronounce 'pony'. Haha! The night sky was so clear and for the first time in a long long time, I saw fireflies flitting from tree to tree.

One Day in Your Life - RIP Michael Jackson

2009-06-27T22:23:00.004+08:00

Michael Jackson was 50??? Why not? I'm already 41. His tragic death somehow told me that hey, it's about time to grow up. I just never associated him with age..you know. To me, he's still a kid...like I am. That's how I sometimes think of myself.

I have never been a die-hard Michael Jackson fan but I do enjoy his songs. The Thriller Album, Bad, Off the Wall, HIStory...songs from these albums accompanied me as I grew up from a little girl to a young woman trying to find her place under the sun, marking milestones with a Michael Jackson hit.

I have several songs that I prefer above all MJ's hits, and these are the ballads he sang during his teenage years, the time when he was the adorable black boy I would see on TV. "Ben" is one. This is the other one.

The world lost a great artist but his music will live on in the hearts of the millions of people he had touched, like me, through his music.

One Day in Your Life- Michael Jackson - Celebrity bloopers here

Birthday Wish

2009-06-09T11:50:00.006+08:00

When I went to bed last night as my birthday ticked to a close, I asked the Lord to grant me any of the following:

1) I win the 6/49 Super Lotto Jackpot

2) Boyfriend

If I get one, I won't asked for the other one... ever again.

Sadly, as a line in a movie goes, "its easier to get hit by a terrorist".

What are my chances?

Zilch for both.

That's the real world.

My Home is where my Heart is

2009-05-17T18:08:00.006+08:00

It used to be that I dread the weekends.

It used to be that I work until 8pm.

When I was younger, I even go to work on a Saturday or a Sunday.

I allowed myself to get lost in the stress that characterizes my profession.

Not anymore.

Now, I can't wait until the weekend comes.

Now, I itch to leave my workstation by 6pm.

The TV is tuned to one station only.

I only go to one place in the Mall.

We Speak

2009-04-26T07:56:00.005+08:00

Anton's packing up a lot of words and such a joy to "talk"to. :-) We speak to him in the vernacular as we don't speak english at home. That solved the potential problem of having the yaya speaking to him in "mis-pronounced" english given her regional roots (ie, melk (milk), tiddy bur (teddy bear), or Mac-dunald (seriously). But then, anton's learning bits and pieces of cebuano-illongo words without my knowing, thanks to my dad and yaya (ie, igot (rope), naog (down), duha (2), maayo (refering to time of day or "tao po", on situations). So my new concern is yaya and anton conversing in a language all their own.

But largely, its tagalog with a smattering of english here and there, which I credit to Playhouse Disney. With tagalog as his principal language, he understands the language spoken everywhere we go, like at SM, the corner store where we buy bread, kids playing in our street, the security guards manning the village gate. :-)

I would stare at Anton while he sleeps. To this day, I still can't describe him, the love just shoots out from every part of my being and its overwhelming. He's turning 2 years old soon. I have to know how to explain the father absence and Time will tell nalang siguro.

Kilala Nyo Po si Memen?

2009-04-02T22:43:00.006+08:00

Its been proving difficult lately to spend quiet time for myself just to write. Account Management under the Barclay’s portfolio took a while to get used to given that the judgement call I used to exercise under the HVB portfolio simply doesn’t exist with Barclay’s.

Barclay’s, being a very conservative English bank, looks at their Philippine distressed debt investment with eagle eyes and they are not simply contented with just being paid. Barclay’s is fiercely protective of its reputation and all transactions / documentation that comes out of my desk should have the blessings of its Barcap legal team despite us engaging our own external counsel to help in the legal side of things, ie documentation / litigation. In a good way however, we learn a lot from Barcap regarding Risk Management. They see angles in transactions which we never thought existed and I’m impressed with the thoroughness of their queries and the speed with which they revert.

It took a bit of time to get used to the working set-up but eventually, I got the hang of it. I’m now able to pace myself and start to relax and lean back on my good old swivel chair. Hehe!

So, on to more interesting stories. I went to visit Batanes again for the second time last March 20-23. It was a photo safari trip of Mandy Navasero which B asked me to come join her as she is into photography. I gladly said yes as I wanted to see Batanes again and at the same time, it was an opportunity for me to say Hi to Memen.

Memen was our guide in Sabtang Island the first time I visited in 2005. At the time, he was also one of the local councilors representing Batanes. Like the typical Ivatan, his smile is wide and warm and his skin is brown from too much sun and wind exposure. We became fast friends and when my group had to return to Batan island soon after the tour was done (waves get pretty rough towards late afternoon), we exchanged cell numbers. Memen would call me regularly from then on, asking me when I’d go back to Batanes. He went to Manila in 2006 to visit his sister and I took the time to bring him to Tagaytay and had him meet my parents.

Memen was obviously looking for more than a friendly relationship with me, but unfortunately, I did not reciprocate his feelings. 2006 was the time TB was already a part of my life and TB was the one I wanted. And in struggling with my TB brouhaha, long story short, it ended up with Anton getting conceived (this blog is almost 80% story of that brouhaha).

While I was pregnant with Anton, I received a call from Memen saying that he again was in Manila and promptly, I invited him for dinner. I wanted him to see me pregnant and to see his reaction. Unfortunately, that never happened. Memen knew how to get to the Karport Building and I had a feeling that in his intention to surprise me, saw me going about and heavy with child. Memen never called me back, never texted and when last year,I tried to call him to tell him I was planning to visit Batanes again, the number he gave me was no longer in use.

So, March 20, 2009. Batanes is a place where everyone knows everyone and I asked our guide if he knew Memen and as expected, said yes. I asked him if its ok to please tell Memen that Tonette is in town. Guide said he will relay the message to Sabtang.

I was looking forward to our trip to Sabtang Island and when the falowa boat docked at the pier, I was hoping that he got my message and was at the Pier to welcome me…but no Memen in sight. When B and the rest of the group started clicking their cameras at the scenery, I was quietly looking for an opportunity to chat with a local and ask where Memen was. I chanced upon one friendly looking chap who volunteered that Memen was his classmate in High School, that Memen got married last Sept 2008 and that he already has a baby. He further volunteered that Memen was in Manila recently to look for a job and has even considered working abroad. He offered to bring me to Memen’s house as it is likely that he is home. I couldn’t find B anywhere but saw D and told her I’ll just go visit a friend in the village.

So there I was in front of Memen’s house and the high school friend did all the yelling in the local dialect. Finally, a pretty girl with round eyes opened the door carrying a baby girl with equally round eyes. “Memen is not around”, she said in Ivatan, “but he’ll be back soon.” I told the girl who I was, how I came to know Memen and how pretty she is and how lovely their baby girl is. She was young and shy with strangers and since I had nothing else left to say, bid her goodbye while gently caressing the baby’s foot. Going back to the photo safari group, I was feeling quite disappointed. I decided to leave him a letter and left it at the department of fisheries building, the only building in Sabtang that was open on a Saturday.

As was the routine, we toured the whole Sabtang Island, with the last stop being the Sabtang lighthouse. When we returned to the Pier to return to Batan Island, still no Memen around. Turned out he was in Ivuhus, fishing. I knew then that this was my last trip to Batanes and that I know that I will not get to talk to Memen again. I didn’t write down my cell number in the little message that I left for him. In the seair flight back to Manila 2 days after, I grew very sad and cried a little.

And so, life goes on in Manila. I’ll never know if he ever got to receive and read my letter. The photos of the photo safari group has since been posted and commented on in Multiply, how breathtaking the views, how refreshing the sight, how tranquil the place looks. I agree with all of that, but to me, something else is already lacking in the picture. Memen's not in any of them.

A KiKay 2009

2009-02-05T20:38:00.009+08:00

I don't know what got into me. Early into the new year, sometime during the weekend, I went to SM Sucat for the sole reason to buy toiletries and it ended up being a major shopping expedition. I guess I decided its time to buy new clothes after seeing all the new styles that were on sale after the Holiday rush, and right there and then, decided to take advantage of the discount, notwithstanding the small percentage off the SRP.

Of course, you can't go shopping for new clothes without shopping for new shoes. So the following weekend, I shopped for new shoes naman. And not just the typical black or brown walking clogs or flats. Apart from new office shoes, I bought kikay clogs and step-ins. Really girlie and all, hehe!

And then, since I was into new clothes and new shoes, i also decided to get new underwear! So, back to the Department store I go and bought several new bikinis and semi-full panties and a couple of brassiers. Hehe! So that completed the new wardrobe for 2009.

But then, it didn't end there. My Philamlife agent was also into selling Mary Kay products and after a little bit of prodding, got me to buy the TimeWise Moisturizing and Dermabrasion Line for my skincare regimen. And you know what? I LOVE THE PRODUCTS!!! It suits my skin, giving it a healthy, youthful glow. :-)

So there, after all of the belt tightening that I did during the Christmas holidays by giving practical gifts and simple tokens, I decided to let go and splurged on myself for a change last January 2009. Haha!

But of course, after this shopping spree, I'm not going to buy anything for myself again until next year. With the pay-cut that we had to agree to and given the economic downturn, its not the time to spend money on things that is not a priority.

So, here's to maximizing the use of my new shoes, clothes, undies and moisturizing products for a Kikay 2009.

Adieu 2008

2008-12-31T17:30:00.004+08:00

As I write this, the intermittent sound of exploding labintadors predominate the twilight, setting the stage for the welcome celebration of the New Year that is to come. Its Anton’s first New Year’s watch and his Daddy Lo is busy setting up the sparklers (read: fountain and roman candles) in front of the clubhouse for him and the neighborhood kids to watch at 6:30pm.

Aaahh, what a year 2008 has been. The first semester was highlighted by the spiraling of oil prices which correspondingly spiked prices of goods. The months then following June 2008 saw yet another local maritime disaster with the sinking of a Sulpicio-owned passenger ferry. Offshore, in the 3rd quarter, we incredulously watched in disbelief as America’s financial system, due to risky subprime mortgages, started buckling down on both knees, in the brink of collapse, with the demise of several financial giants and the government bailout of AIG, bringing with it Europe and parts of Asia. Stock traders worldwide is in unison that the on-going financial crises is worse that the Great Depression of the 30’s. Though the Philippines has been, for the most part, spared by the financial storm, local business watchers predict that the country will feel the full impact of the global economic downturn in 2009. A significant number of our OFWs are already being sent back home and a number of workers in the production line have already been laid off (read: further escalation in local unemployment rate). Those who have jobs should thank their lucky stars they still have a job to look forward to in a sagging domestic economy in 2009. That includes me.

2008 also marks a milestone in American politics with Barack Obama elected as the country’s first Black president and George W. Bush, being the first American president to be thrown a shoe at by an Iraqi journalist during a farewell speech. I am looking forward to the Obama presidency in 2009 and the CHANGE that he promised to give America.

Personally, apart from the brouhaha that happened this month at work, my life essentially remained in status quo. TB continues to be my special friend, my Buddy of a Lifetime (BoaL). I continue to be jealous of his girlfriend regardless of whatever issues he says he has with her. Right now, they are in some pleasure road trip where they are sharing their own brand of fireworks, eeew, yuk!!!. :-(

I have a feeling however, that I will finally meet The One this coming year as my mind is starting to see into the face of an imaginary someone, something that I had difficulty visualizing before. :-)

And so, as the clock ticks an hour closer to midnight, we slowly bid adieu to the events that shaped 2008 and look forward with cautious optimism at 2009.

What Now?

2008-12-16T18:09:00.004+08:00

After 3 years, my company has ceased to operate and we, the managers of the asset, have been offered to "cross-over" to an Aussie based servicing company. All of these taking place 2 weeks before christmas. The manner with which the "notice" was given us was quite inadequate, to put it mildly. We felt betrayed. Given the nature of our current employment, we all knew the company was not made for the long haul. But then, we were expecting a 6 month notice / transition period, not 72 hours ... with a deadline of 24 hours to sign off on the offer sheet of the Aussie firm, and definitely, not 24 hours before our Christmas party (!!!!).

I could go on and on and ask the Universe why things happen the way they do, and if I am to be selfish, why it targets me specifically. Should I hold myself back from giving too much? Expecting teeney weeney bit much?

"Always keep your eyes and your heart open as Nothing happens by chance", said our recollection master. "Never be afraid to face the unknown, accept the challenge."

I do agree with the good Bosconian priest naman eh, but, hello, tao lang po. Prone to panic attacks, withdrawal symptoms, bawling sessions and back-biting.

It has been a week since the "notice" was relayed. After several one-on-one discussions with the Aussie firm's director and fine-tuning of the new employment offer from the Land of Oz, everyone in my team crossed-over. In the end, we all needed the steady income stream, we all have families to support, we all want to be productive and we all want to welcome the new year still gainfully employed.

An Update

2008-11-26T14:37:00.004+08:00

I haven't been posting as much as I would have wanted cuz I got pretty addicted to Facebook, the newest networking site. I'm sure everyone who uses the internet is already familiar with Facebook thus explanations are unncessary. So, what have I been doing apart from Mommy duties and Facebook?

Well, WORK is one. I managed to close several deals over the past several months, contributing to the company's coffers, and has made me a happy camper for some time. It didn't come with ease and finesse but with a lot of gut-wrenching samaan ng loob with my bosses, irate calls from the other party, but all's well ends well. :-) And of course, there are the usual accounts that still refuse to budge which is what I have to focus on for next year. In the meantime, I just need to ensure that the collections from the settlements I've made so far all comes in by year end. Hopefully, no year end past due surprises.

I went back to playing Badminton and have been trying to keep to my regular playing schedule of Mondays and Wednesdays, from 7-9pm. I managed to lose 10lbs of the pregnancy weight but still need to lose 10 lbs more and its proving to be difficult. My weight dances over and around Manny Pacquiao's feather weight and I need to keep it below that number. :-) Ay, how difficult especially with the coming Holidays and lunch-outs that are becoming quite frequent.

I've made plans to go to Batanes again come February 2009 and I'm pretty excited about it. :-) This time, I am joining Mandy Navasero's Photo Safari Group together with B., a Cebu-based acquaintance ( hopefully become a good friend) and her friends. I'm not really deep into photography, considering the logistics, but I do enjoy taking pictures from my derelict Olympus Camera and visiting Batanes for no other reason but just to enjoy the place again, is something that I couldn't pass up. :-)

Lastly, last night, I rejoiced with a couple who finally was able to experience parenthood for the first time. They became foster parents to a baby girl after trying unsuccessfuly to conceive a child of their own. I don't consider this couple as good friends yet, but I hope they would turn out to be. I held the pretty baby in my arms and I realize that you don't have to actually give birth to a baby to feel the connection. I told J that she conceived and borned baby C in her heart and a mother's heart knows no boundaries, limits, conditions. The way J was tenderly holding the baby brought a smile to my heart. They are temporarily based here in Manila because the guy, K, is training to be a pilot for a major domestic airline though they go home every so often to their southern home as that is where the clan is.

Tonight is the first showing of Twilight, the Stephanie Meyer series that has captured the world by storm and making every female wishing they had their own Edward Cullen. :-) B. and I reserved seats via Ayala's sureseats.

TB? Wala. We're BOALs (Buddies of a Lifetime).

Anton's Baby Blah:

1) Nana (wala na) (said when he throws something on the floor like his diaper, etc, finishes his milk, unplugs the electric fan (!!!), after making poo poo, after saying bye bye)

2) Boa (Bola or Ball and this defines everything that is round, like wheels, christmas ornaments, ring, plates, saucers, etc.)

3) Baybeeee (pictures of babies and children on all sorts of labels, magazines, tv ads)

4) Uuuuuy ( expression for anything)

5) Daddy-wo (his lolo)

6) Mammeee (yours truly)

7) Ba! (baba, when he wants to go down, or to be put on the floor)

8) Yuuun! (pointing everywhere when asked, nasaan si Baby Jesus?, pointing to his small cabinet when asked, asan ang gamit ng baby?)

Iba naman

2008-09-20T15:00:00.003+08:00

Pambihira...siguro naman there still is someone else out there that I can ably talk to, relate and share things with, with the same level of maturity, life experience and comprehension...the recipie of a meaningful exchange.They can't all possibly be gone and already taken, for pete's sake! :-(

And since I'm once again posing this question out in the big black void, baka puede din that this person and I would be living within a reasonable driving distance from each other. And AGAIN, they can't all be living on another side of the archipelago! C'mon man, GIMME A BREAK!

Let's pay our respects to the old and usher in the new. I want to make new memories already, not remember old ones.

In Requiem

2008-08-24T12:00:00.016+08:00

I read somewhere that Silence is a form of healing. It has found its way and finally taking its rightful place between TB and me.

When previously the word distance meant the land mass between Manila and Cebu, now it also means withholding one’s self emotionally....to protect against further damage. Gone are the days when TB and I would share stories everyday, send kilometric text messages and pictures through MMS, burn the phonelines for more than an hour, piling the other with topic after topic. All of these were what we used to be.

The text messages are sparse now (almost non-existent during regular and long weekends) and I only text back when prompted. Sometimes, I can't help associating the texting to how you would treat a dog, how you just need to pat it once in a while, enough to recognize you so that it won't bark, and to keep it happy. Our middle ground is that I will just take TB's lead in the management of our friendship. I no longer ask personal questions, whereabouts, weekend gimmick. Whatever for? Some of the answers may not be to my liking and get me once again into a tailspin of hurt.

In the 3 years that we were “together”, no one has gotten close to me the way TB did. But now, the feeling of having a special friend is slowly disappearing, no longer fueled by the need to bond, as gauged by his words, “will text when I can”, which obviously, as the months pass with spending more and more time re-connecting (literaly and figuratively) with his girlfriend, is no longer doable. He was recently in Manila for a brief stay before going off to an Ilocos Road trip and never bothered to text “Hi”. Little things that I thought defined our closeness is apparently no longer of consequence now. I didn't invite him to Anton's birthday lunch and kiddie party and its ironic that only a year ago, he flew to Manila the day after Anton was born to see him.

Its true. People come into your life with various reasons and after the purpose has been served, they move on.

I continue to miss TB with the intensity felt by someone who shared so much of herself, but as with anyone who has gone through the same thing, the only avenue I know to manage such emotion is to redirect it towards work and my son. It also helps to think of him as already being married to his girlfriend (bakit, hindi pa ba??). Married men are definitely off-limits (unless one is an unhappy wife in need of some ego-boosting or girls looking out for a good time).

A well-meaning friend said that I should not build an emotional wall around myself and not to use Anton as an excuse.

Moving forward in this regard is still quite sluggish, but hey, give me time. I’m neither here nor there.

And yes, as this piece is entitled "In Requiem", when the last day comes, I don't see myself flying down south to pay my last respects. I'm sure he'll understand.

"Go tell the Spartans, strangers passing by

that here obedient to their laws, we lie."

-warrior epitaph at Thermopylae

Hooked on Facebook and then some...

2008-07-28T10:27:00.002+08:00

The newest networking site that’s sweeping the Globe is FACEBOOK and needless to say, I am an instant Fan. A highly interactive site, FACEBOOK has mega tons of applications allowing users to send each other Starbucks, Chanel / Hermes gift items, cigarettes, booze, growing gifts, hatching eggs, play all sorts of games, from the tweetum ones like Word Twist to the brazen ones like Mob Wars. I know someone who is heavy into playing this game that he would get vicious verbal attacks from Facebook users in other countries. I myself got into car racing (Petrol Head) and have also become a blood thirsty Vampire (Vampire Temptress).

You can also view forwarded YouTube picks, birthday gifts, virtually travel just about anywhere (I’ve been to the top of Mt. Everest) and just so much more. Last week, I was browsing through its applications tab and came across one application where you get to tell a friend that you want to FcuK him/her or show how much you are into him/her. Very BOLD this Facebook.

Anyway, apart from all of these, it was just great being able to reconnect with my old college friends again AND guess what? Yup, got reconnected with my old college BF, JT. He’s married now with kids. He admitted feeling a millisecond of hesitance before accepting my invite because he felt awkward. “Ah duh”, I emailed back. What was awkward for me was when his mom asked me to attend the birthday party of his older brother who still wasn’t married. Being the old JT that I know, his idea of a reunion is for everyone to watch the next UAAP game live at the Araneta.

Outside of Facebook, life goes on quietly. Anton smiles a lot now, claps his hands and makes all sorts of baby babble that makes him so adorable. TB, on the other hand, has finally realized that being friends is doing me more harm than good ( I can’t stop being sarcastic with him and rude and insensitive and mean), so he gave up…angrily if I may suspect. He can’t give me what I need and he can’t force me to give him what he wants. Its better this way. No more hurtful words from my end.

I just thought of something very morbid which is, if TB dies, do I go to Cebu and pay my last respects? I didn’t attend M’s wake when he passed away but that was an entirely different case. Thinking along this line, I don’t think I will go when that time comes. Doesn’t make sense to go see somebody when they’re already gone. I’ll just go to Tagaytay , trace our DelaSalle museum trip all they way to Nurture Spa and grieve for him there coz Tagaytay is where our friendship started…. all prior to the return of his prodigal girlfriend.

Its sad. He really means a lot me.

Anyway, Anton’s birthday is coming up soon. My little guy is turning a year old. A milestone in both our lives that I look forward to.

A Company with a Heart

2008-07-08T15:43:00.003+08:00

A lot has already been said, commented on and written about regarding the sinking of the MV Princess of the Stars owned by Sulpicio Lines.

I would like to include a little tidbit of my own regarding this tragedy.

Negros Navigation (Nenaco), a shipping line owned (indirectly) by Metro Pacific Corp belongs to a portfolio of accounts that I am currently handling. I was recently engaged in an animated conversation with Nenaco’s CFO regarding this recent maritime mishap and he had this to say:

At the time Signal Number 1 was hoisted over Metro Manila, Nenaco (or NN as fondly called by its crew and passengers) was also getting ready to set sail for Iloilo the same day that the Princess of the Stars was to sail for Cebu. With the growing inclement weather however, NN’s Management, together with the ship captain, decided not to push through with the trip as they didn’t want to take the risk of running into further foul weather and the attendant risks it brings once the ship is out at sea.

This decision showed Nenaco’s concern for its passengers’ safety. Once the weather cleared and the sea again safe for travel, Nenaco proceeded to sail for Iloilo, bringing its passenger safely to their destination. As everyone knows, Sulpicio Lines ended with a different fate.

If Nenaco was able to make this simple decision without relying on PAGASA for an official weather forecast or the COASTGUARD for clearance, why couldn’t Sulpicio?

It felt good being the Account Officer of a shipping company whose main concern is the welfare of its passengers. After all, their duty is to their loyal riding public. It says a lot of the company’s values and the priority of its shareholders, as well.

RESET

2008-07-06T21:10:00.003+08:00

I'm on Reset Mode....Restart...In computer lingo, its Control Alt Delete. That kind of thing. How do I feel? Still sad, still hurt, but the crying has stopped.

My bestfriend meant well when, in her no-nonsense style, said, "I DID TELL YOU A LONG TIME AGO, AND REPEATEDLY IF I MAY ADD, THAT WHAT YOU WERE GETTING INTO WITH THAT GUY SPELLED DISASTER. You didn't want to listen, Tons," and this amidst getting my share of her second-hand smoke.

I wish I was one of those girls who, after having a good day at the salon or a good day of shopping, would bounce right back after a relationship disaster. TB has gone on and having a good time planning long drives to wherever and going to safaris and going wherever else in this country, or out of the country, to make up for lost time, and happily screwing his gf in the process. Hmm, I think I just sounded bitter back there.

Whatever, I have the right to feel what I feel. Picking up my broken pieces is my project for the remaining months of 2008. Never did I thought I was going to have a round 2 of a Rojun style getting over episode 4 years after it happened, yet here I am again. I do acknowledge that this mess is my fault and a lesson well learned.

Anyway, new good things should come soon now that I'm clearing up the space previously occupied by my stupidity. Will look forward to that.

An Open Letter to God

2008-06-28T23:16:00.009+08:00

June 28, 2008

ALMIGHTY GOD

RE : HELP URGENTLY REQUESTED

Dear God:

I would like to start off this letter by admitting that my spirituality is at an all time low. Prayers have not passed my lips for some time and I can no longer remember when last I sincerely called out to you for strength and guidance. With close to 90% of my productive time devoted to CGAM, I thought it best to write you a business letter instead, where I am most comfortable.

I am suffering from a severe case of unrequited attachment over TB which has led to my emotional downspin. I’ve fallen so hard and getting out of this pain-infested quagmire I’ve gotten myself into has been proving much too long and much too difficult to bear. I fully acknowledge that I am at fault. There are days that I regret having gone to that fateful Malapascua dive trip of November 2005 where I abandoned my better judgment and plunged headlong into an unusual relationship that did more emotional harm to me than good. Back then, he has already given me full disclosure of the then present state of his relationship with his girlfriend but I ignored the waving red flags and went ahead with the heady feeling of the moment. As I say this, be advised that I have not ceased to cry since March 2006 when I realized how strong my feelings were for him.

His girlfriend is back home and they are trying to work things out between them. Forcing myself to say each day that I’m going to be ok, that this too again shall pass, only results in countless sobbing in the bathroom or in the car. I am no longer in control of myself and I beg your assistance to please please please please take this pain away from me. Hindi ko na talaga kaya on my own. I wake up sad and weepy, I go to sleep sad and weepy. I have very little appetite. I’ve never lifted a voice to you, as I’m pretty sure you know, because I feel so alone in carrying this pain, and that you can never understand.

I recognize that you are more concerned with the recent tragedies that has struck my country and other parts of the world, as well as having to deal with the onslaught of other people’s prayers, which I’m sure are much more important than mine. But I beg that you just give me 10 seconds of your most precious attention to unload from me this pathetic burden so I can sincerely find myself truly happy again.

It is in this regard that I humbly request that the following be granted to me without further delay:

1) remove this painful emotional mess I got myself into
2) make TB realize that he made a big mistake in befriending me
3) a much heavier workload
4) to be more discerning
5) to continue to be financially secure to ably 1) bring up Anton with the best that I can give him and, 2) to ably take care of the financial concerns of my family which my brother and I are presently carrying
6) to be gainfully employed until such time Anton finishes college.

I promise that I will never again ask for a partner, or to be in a relationship, in whatever form or manner, with a man. Clearly, I am not capable of sustaining one. I just ask that you give me the strength to keep me focused on the more important things, such as being a good mother and provider for Anton.

Thank you for all the blessings you have given me. They are numerous and I have been remiss in not thanking you enough. Compared to others, I am still lucky for enjoying a relatively easy life without the everyday economic burdens that currently befalls the least of the country’s citizens.

I anticipate your prompt attention to my request. For your better appreciation of my present situation, I have enclosed copies of email exchanges that I’ve had with TB over the years for your review.

Sincerely,

Tonette Penaflor
Lost soul

Cc: Mother Mary, St. Therese of the Child Jesus, Sto. Nino, St. Francis of Assisi, St. Jude, Guardian Angel, all the poor departed souls in Purgatory.

40

2008-06-08T13:20:00.004+08:00

I’m all of 40 years today and contrary to what I had envisioned so many years ago of how I was going to celebrate this day (either a grand vacation or a big 4-0 party), I found myself just wanting to keep it quiet. I bought 4 nice, feel good VCDs and 3 novels, two of Paolo Coelho’s (Like the Flowing River and Brida) and one of Jeffrey Eugenides’ (Middlesex – this won a Pulitzer so it aroused my curiosity).

I took 10 days off from work starting last Friday, June 6, to be with myself and Anton, though I’m highing off next weekend to Bataan with a couple of girlfriends for a change of scenery and company.

Of the 40 years that I've lived, it was the past 10 years that had been quite significant. It was marked by hellos and goodbyes:

I lost my maternal Lola in 2001 to Leukemia. We were very close and I was devastated when she died. She knew everything that was going on with my life then, a lot more than my mother. Days after we accompanied her to her final resting place, I still couldn’t find my appetite… couldn’t sleep. If she were still alive, she’d go crazy over Anton. I continue to miss her.

Meeting R soon after I lost my Lola was Heaven sent. He took such good care of me that I wanted to be with him forever and ever. We had so many good times, supported each other’s endeavors, was each other’s confidante when things didnt do too well at work or with family. He made me smile and how he made me laugh! Then in late 2004, he drifted away. I was confused and heartbroken, but I let him go. I kept crying for a time and I yearned for my lola’s warm presence all over again. That’s when I started this blog.

In 2005, I left EPCIB to work for an SPV company. This career move saw my bank account grow by Leaps and Bounds. But as everyone already knows, the hefty pay check comes with a great deal of stress and mental fatigue.

It was in the same year that I got to know TB a little bit more and, against my better judgement, (which I think I also posted here sometime in ‘05), crossed the line and became the girl who was good to be around with, while the girlfriend was working overseas. As months past, we grew closer and I made no secret how I felt for him. Now that the girlfriend is back, things are no longer the same between us, (as to be expected), and no matter how I think he tries to keep things the same, eventually, like R, we will just drift apart. Its inevitable. The changes are already happening. There are times I no longer feel like responding to his text messages, but for the sake of the friendship that he wants from me, I remain accordingly. Will see for how long I can keep this up.

I became a single mother in August 2007. After the initial fears and concerns, I can no longer imagine life without my Anton. He has brought new meaning to my life, has altered my status. I am a MOTHER. And I love him to pieces.

I now look forward to the next 10 years, years that will be punctuated by Anton’s milestones and a story….a story that goes like this:

“A rose dreamed day and night about bees, but no bee ever landed on her petals. The flower, however, continued to dream. During the long nights, she imagined a heaven full of bees, which flew down to bestow fond kisses on her. By doing this, she was able to last until the next day, when she opened again to the light of the sun.

One night, the moon, who knew of the rose’s loneliness, asked: ’Aren’t you tired of waiting?’
‘Possibly, but I have to keep trying.’
‘Why?’
‘Because if I don’t remain open, I will simply fade away.’ “

I need to grow a new heart, a much stronger one. I don't think I can survive another R or TB episode.

Happy Birthday, Ton. May you have more birthdays to come and know that someday, someone will walk into your life that will make you realize why it never worked out with anyone else.

Maktub

2008-05-28T10:16:00.003+08:00

Egads, I’m at work and I need to look busy. So, I’m typing this on Word Format for me to paste in Blogspot later. :-)

There’s not much to do at work lately, given that most of my accounts have already settled or have entered into a settlement with me. For the remaining accounts that are still substantial in terms of outstanding obligation, sensitizing their business projections doesn’t hold too much appeal at the moment. I could read Cosmo magazine but given the time of day (10AM), I don’t think that’s appropriate. Hahaha!

Hay, business projections and audited historical financial statements. I’ve been in account management for 12 years. Short Term Lending, Term Lending, Bridge Financing, Loan Restructuring, what have you. In the early 90’s, if the Bank wants your business, it will lend you money. The financials was just to comply with CPS Audit and gives just the right touch of panache to your Credit Application (CA). But of course, you gotta know how to read the numbers.

Bottomline is, if a borrower wants to pay the credit he owes, he pays. It may be immediate or it may take some time, but he will pay. If he doesn’t have the money, he becomes creative and tries to come up with some form of repayment.. But if the borrower turns out to be a sleaze, and there are a lot of sleazes out there, whether he has the money or not, if he doesn’t want to pay, he’s NOT gonna pay. “ Fuck you all, man! You talk to my fuckin lawyer”.

And we answer back with, ”Screw you, you’re in deep shit that comes from your own ASShole, you jerk!” And at this point, what both sides REALLY REALLY want to say is “TangInaMO! TangInaMOrin!

So we litigate until the Bell tolls for whoever. This business of Credit has made a lot of lawyers happy and rich who in turn are able to send their kids off to good schools with their English speaking Yayas, totting the latest Nokia series and I-Pods.

You see? This is my world. It pays well where I am now, but comes with a great deal of mental exhaustion and stress.

And then there’s my Personal life, which apart from having Anton, hasn’t seen the world through rose colored glasses for a long long time. 3 days worth of what I thought was a strong resolve to break ties with TB broke down in heaps on the bedroom floor and I ended calling him up at 2AM…sniveling and defeated.

I felt worse without him.

Mirabelle asked Ray Porter why he can’t love her and Ray said, “I thought you understood.” I understood every word TB told me. Digesting it was another thing. Do I look stupid? Maybe I am.

What did I see in TB that allowed him to have such a hold on me? Intelligence? Nah, Joey was an economics major in Ateneo and was at the top of his class, not to mention a master’s degree in Law in Harvard. But I got over Joey very quickly.

What about Wit? Humour? Charm?..... Nah.

Manny was very witty and can come up with very good quips.

Rojun can keep me laughing till my stomach hurt and tears well up in my eyes.

Jojo was extremely charming and he wooed me with letters dripping with honey.

But when things ended with these guys, it stayed ended. Period. I never called them at 2AM.

Maybe TB has a combination of all of these traits plus he relates very well. But hey, so did these other guys.

Maybe because he is OLD…ER? I don’t think age has got to do with it.

Love is love. I was taught that one should never put conditions or obstacles when you love. You allow it to grow and make it thrive within you. Its not, “I will love you if…..” but rather “I love you inspite……”

When love leaves, you let it go as gently as the first time it came knocking.

After the many times I’ve thought and debated over my predicament over and over and over and over for the past 3 years, the conclusion is that this is just how it will be for me with him.

Paolo Coelho said it in his book. “Maktub”. It is written. My Jeddah-based cousin would say, “Inshallah”. In God’s hands.

Will leave it at that.

Discovery Weekend

2008-05-18T10:55:00.018+08:00

Bunny tagged me some months back and decided to work on it while taking a relaxing weekend here in Tagaytay.

Yup, I booked my family at the St. Tropez Room at the Discovery Country Suites sans my Mom who is currently in the US to be with my ailing uncle. I always pass Discovery Country Suites whenever I go to some destination in Tagaytay and since I am now able to save up some money, decided to book a weekend for a change of scenery, as well as a birthday gift in part for my Dad. Its also Anton's first out of town trip.

But first, to address Bunny’s tag:

10 things that recently made me happy/ grateful:

1) Very courteous and friendly staff of Discovery Country Suites Tagaytay

2) Getting my laptop back from the shop (finally!)

3) Getting my Smart Bro Broadband from Rockwell which allows me to surf the net anywhere, anytime. (Don’t we just love to open our laptops and connect to the internet pronto)

4) Anton is a happy, healthy and good looking baby. A waitress remarked to me once that he will break a lot of hearts someday.

5) That I have a Yaya (yaya Lisa) who cares for Anton as if he was her own son

6) Getting a couple of deals at work approved.

7) Borrowers who I had a hard time setting meetings with suddenly calling up requesting to meet.

8) My hair is starting to frame my face the way I want it to be.

9) My male OB-Gyne who tells me all sorts of quirky stories that make me laugh so hard.

10) Attaining a state of maturity where I have already accepted that certain things can never be.

I am tagging Emzi, Ogie, Boyet.

Anyway, what are blogs for if not partly to diss out our angsts. For some time, I have been having problems working with my boss for the following reasons:

1) He has a tendency to dispense work commitments which he doesn’t keep.

2) I don’t know if its because he has no previous experience in handling account officers or its because of his young age (34), but he doesn’t give his people the opportunity to volunteer for additional work and instead continuously assigns projects outside of our main responsibilities to just one account officer who, on the other hand, complains of being loaded with work. (I don’t get it why she keeps accepting when she keeps complaining).

3) I take special care in writing concise call reports and memos to make sure I have the necessary information written down pat. I don’t know if its read hurriedly or that it wasn't understood and got lost in translation somehow, but they’d ask me a question which I have already advised and to have me email the same info again.

I am not in the habit of saying bad things about other people and would rather keep quiet if nothing pleasant will come out of it. I hate to say it but sometimes it seems I work with juvenile professionals.

Apart from work, I’ve made some painful decisions regarding my relationship with TB who’s girlfriend is back from her overseas job stint . He’s become so much a part of my life that easing him out, which to me is the right thing to do but which he contests, gives me throat constrictions and acidity in the solar plexus. We’re coming from opposing points of view but then, I also have my Non-negotiables.

Oh well, I just really need to take care of myself. It’s a lazy Tagaytay Sunday morning at Discovery. Will lap up the remaining few hours left of the tranquil ambiance before I haul my family back to Manila. Tomorrow’s another day.

Damn It

2008-04-17T22:47:00.003+08:00

If there's one thing that truly disappoints me in a person, its when they HOLD OUT for something or someone, passing over an event, an invite or whatever, in the hopes of getting something, or someone, better. When the "something / someone better" doesn't happen, then they come and seek you out.

This attitude is ok when your doing business. After all, its part of the negotiation exercise. You wait it out and see. But its not ok in personal relationships if you've known each other for quite awhile. I take it PERSONALLY.

I wish people , for once, would just be honest.

I Can Do It On My Own

2008-03-11T22:08:00.006+08:00

Received an email from Anton’s father intially asking if we could meet. To which I emailed him back asking as to what. He says he’s not a bad person, that he wants to be friends, and if we could talk. I replied that I was busy and to just email me if he wants to talk. He responded by saying, “Sige, hindi bali nalang. I know you’re happy na with your son, Anton. Goodbye.”

How did that email exchange made me feel? Relieved, thank God! Second, I think he’s such an OA, yuch! I don’t want him to see Anton, don’t want him anywhere near my son. TB says he doesn’t see anything wrong with seeing the guy, after all, he’s the father. Whatever. The guy turned his back on Anton, didn’t even want to be acknowledged as the father, wanted me to stop communicating with him after I found out I was pregnant. Then now, he wants to talk. See, he even wrote, “your son” in his email message. I saved the text messages we had for posterity which I can show in whatever Tribunal if it comes to that.

My heart will break when Anton asks for his father. And I will tell the truth. Tucked in the tiniest corner of my heart, there exists a wish that Anton may not even have to ask that question, hoping that when that time comes, there would already be someone around who will love him like a real son, someone who will be around for both of us. A wish that I try very hard to relegate to the background and instead focus on the here and now, that its just him and me.

I have so many challenges as a single mother…but I know I can handle it. If there’s one thing I’m good at, its how to survive….specially now. My little boy is growing up and he needs me.

Check out Anton's multiply site. I uploaded new pictures.

Goal Setting in Subic

2008-03-03T17:08:00.003+08:00

So, it’s the time of year when Corporate Budgets are set from all corners of the Corporate World and we, the officers of the NPL, ROPOA and Legal Team of SPV-AMC, no less different from the other monkeys balancing their tails (along with the rest of their extremities) inside the corporate jungle, veterans not only in account and property management, but also of last minute individual budget presentations,
(or cramming, to put it bluntly) found themselves highing off to Subic Bay for the 2nd time, with no less than two members of their Singaporean Bank shareholders behind their backs, for moral support (daw). Hehe!

Courtesy of a consultant who is a member of the Subic Bay Yacht Club, our accommodations were….FANTASTIC(!!!), to say the least. Each room holds 2 Q-sized beds,
a bathroom bigger than the living room at home furnished with a Jacuzzi tub, a shower room with nozzles everywhere that sends a jet stream of water from ALL ANGLES (sorry, walang ganyan sa Parañaque),
and an unforgiving wall length mirror that can squeal to the next user if it could talk. Haha!

Anyway, the nitty gritty was that we are a company managing a Php___!!!! worth of NPL and ROPOA Portfolio, owing Php___!!!! to one of the World’s Top International Financial Institutions, the MAIN GOAL, thus, for 2008 is to collect Php___!!!! every quarter beginning March 2008.

After the silence that followed while the mind processed this bit of information, came the open-mouthed, incredulous look of every account and property officer. “How, pray tell, are we going to collect that sum of money in the short amount of time, given our hodge podge of accounts, blessed (unfortunately) with hoity-toity owners who, putting it mindly, continue to REFUSE a REASONABLE settlement plan?

“Be creative”, says our Aussie Country Manager. “Ibugaw ang mga AO’s!”, says our Loan Management Head. “You can do it!”, says our Singaporean shareholders. And so, the consensus was, with the blessing of our Legal counsel, we will prostitute ourselves. Haha! “Financial Consultants, service with a Plus!”

Work hard, Play hard. After the planning proper, the troops, freshly incentivised with a generous bonus if they could pull the goal in 2008, got ready for some serious jungle trekking with an Aeta guide
and some yachting, ala lifestyle of the rich and famous,
in the murky, jellyfish-invested waters of Subic Bay.

Till next Planning!

Jordan Hill

2008-01-09T18:08:00.000+08:00

I joined a networking site called Multiply some months back and really got into it for a time, looking at other people’s photos and reading their blog entries. I even have two sites, one for me, one for Anton. In both sites, I posted pictures and made entries… then I tapered off. Somehow, the Multiply site felt “crowded”…too many people with instantaneous access to my site because I am the contact of So and So.

But here in Blogspot where only a handful of people know that it exists, here is where I truly feel at home, the place where I can put my feet up, cross my arms behind my back, feel the breeze fanning my cheek, while I listen to the cadence that is in my heart.

Earlier this week, I was channel surfing and chanced upon Channel V’s music video featuring “Remember Me This Way”, the theme song of the movie Casper starring Christina Ricci and Bill Pullman, incidentally one of my favorite movies. A favorite scene in the movie was the one of 13 year old Kat (played by Ricci) lying on her bed with Casper hovering above her. In the scene, Kat was telling Casper about her dead mother, how Kat remembers how her mom smelled like Ivory soap, and how Kat would breathe her in. She asked Casper how it was like to die and Casper said that its like being born…only backwards. Kat then asked Casper if her Mom could possibly still remember her and Casper said, “your mother will never forget you, Kat.”

Casper then asked Kat that if he were alive, would Kat go with him to the Halloween dance party being organized by Kat’s school. Kat mumbled a “uh-hmmm” as her eyes were already closed and sleepy. Casper hovered lower to Kat and whispered, “Kat, can I keep you?” then kissed Kat on her cheek. Kat shivered then frowned, her eyes still closed and said, “Casper, please close the window. Its cold.” My heart went out to Casper as Casper’s face grew sad as he slowly descended and positioned himself to sleep at Kat’s feet, his ghostly form luminous in the darkened bedroom.

So, as I was lying there, listening to the song and watching the Movie’ trailer, I thought that it was the best song to dedicate to my Tagaytay Buddy, my forever friend, who todate, continues to feel the pain of his broken heart.

Forget the 90 days, Fred. Its gonna take you a Year, just like me, depending how the West wind blows by May 2008 and for how long your heart will continue to hope. This song is for you.

Every now and then
We find a special friend
Who never lets us down…

Who understands it all
Reaches out each time we fall
You’re the best friend I have found…

I know you can’t stay
A part of you will never ever go away
Your heart will stay…

Refrain: I’ll make a wish for you,
And hope it will come true,
If life will just be kind,
To such a gentle mind,
If you lose your way,
Think back on yesterday
Remember me this way,
Remember me this way.

I don’t need eyes to see
The love you bring to me,
No matter where I go
And I know that you’ll be there
Forever – more a part of me and everywhere
I’ll always care….

Refrain:

And I’ll be right behind your shoulder, watching you
I’ll be standing by your side, in all you do
And I won’t ever leave, as long as you believe, you just believe…

Refrain:

-end-
Sung by Jordan Hill from the movie, “Casper”

Hard Love

2008-01-03T13:13:00.000+08:00

"When we say goodbye to someone we love, we bury a part of our heart. But we should not bemoan this loss. Our hearts, perhaps, are all they can take with them."

- David Parkin

You

2007-12-04T18:15:00.000+08:00

I long for you, though you remain nameless, faceless: a mist in my consciousness, a shadow in my dreams. I long for you though I may have been looking for you through someone else...insisting he was you. I long for you, though I have never known you and though I might have had, in some chance encounter, driving from the opposite lane of the two way street I habitually pass, in an intersection waiting for the light to change and you were 2 cars behind me, in a crowded mall, in a stuffy elevator, in a coffee shop one lazy afternoon, in a bookstore, in a church pew as I was down on my knees and praying for some miracle, and you were right outside, not wanting to come inside, praying for the same thing.

We would go out to gatherings together. Not because we could not stand not being together, but because we want to share the most important events of our lives with each other. We would hold hands as we arrive but we would mingle separately and talk to our respective sets of friends because we recognize the importance of maintaining our separate identities.

Maybe you were present in my past relationships, your characters evident in different persons at different times and different places. I will bask in your love and you, in mine. But until such time comes, I'll be hoping and keeping the faith. That you exist.

- from page G-2, Lifestyle Section, the Philstar. I omitted some lines and paragraphs and replaced them with words and experiences closer to my heart.

Samu't-Saring Kwento

2007-11-16T23:26:00.000+08:00

Y received flowers from her husband today, 2-dozen long stemmed red roses wrapped together with baby’s breath in orange gold sinamay. The hubby is a ship architect and is presently on a 6-month working visa in Osaka in one of Japan’s leading ship-building companies. Y just turned 34 and is missing A, more so on this special day.

Y and I have been taking coffee breaks together and slowly she started sharing her love story with me. It’s the typical kilig sweet story….Young love, “the you and me against the world kind”, defending the relationship at all costs, and after a string of trials, siring 2 lovely children and finally a home of their own. “Our love is strong”, Y happily beams.

I envy Y for her luck in love….but then again, I have Anton, my little prince. At 39, I no longer desire for a fairy tale story for myself but still hope for the promise of someone. I also maintain a prayer…a prayer that I continue to have peace of mind, good health and good fortune. “He’ll come for you, Tonette, I feel it”, Y would say. I’d smile and change the topic. Let me be envious na lang muna. If he’s taking he’s time to come, then he must be very special.

“The very thought of you
and I forget to do
the little ordinary things that everyone ought to do…”

“I see your face in every flower,
Your eyes in stars above,
It’s just the thought of you,
the very thought of you,
my love…”

Wala lang. I hear this song on my Dad’s radio. I’d sure like to dedicate it someday.

Anton is growing by leaps and bounds and I admit, and not because he’s my son, but really, Anton is a very good-looking baby. With his chinky eyes, fair skin and reddish cheeks, we may be shooing off the girls from our front door in the future. Already he has our neighbors stopping by to ask for him before they set off somewhere. Haha!

I went to Malapascua with TB and his friends during the All Souls long weekend. It was my first vacation after going through the pregnancy and delivery right of passage. Joining TB marked the second year of us being friends. I
haven’t resume diving since I got pregnant, and so I watched enviously as everyone jumped off the dive boat and disappeared underwater. My supposed refresher course with Bel hasn’t push through yet for some reason or another, and this both from his and my end. I hope I get to end the year with me getting the feel of the water again.

Work is work. I received my Christmas bonus and part of it went straight away to my Europe fund. Hmmm, rather I should start calling it my Anton fund. I hope to close the year with 2 done deals from my Cebu based accounts and one in Valenzuela. Most of my done deals are with borrowers of Chinese descent. What does that say about the Pinoys?

The quarter end performance review is coming up and I don’t expect any change in my rating from the previous one. Honestly, sometimes I care, sometimes, I don’t. Dealing with distressed borrowers can be really tiring.

"Dear Mr. High-Roller, tang-ina mo. Ikaw na nga ang may utang, ikaw pa ang galit." What’s the point of the whole negotiation exercise? Wala, takutan lang. Sino bibigay in the end and sino kikita ng pera.

So, this is my life for the moment. Of course, there’s the every present familial brouhaha but I’ll save that story for next time.

2007-10-16T23:36:00.000+08:00

I've taken a lot of photos of Anton over the last two months but this so far is my favorite. I had him baptized last October 7, which also became a gathering of sorts of my close friends and family.

I'm back at work and the hardest part of the day is when I have to leave the house. I'm also back to playing badminton and want to resume scuba diving. I'm meeting up with my Dive Instructor this Saturday for a refresher course and hope to get back into the ocean in the next couple of weeks.

Awakening

2007-10-08T20:29:00.000+08:00

I understand the (E)meralds of this world only too well...too well. It hits me solidly in the chest. Hats off to you, Odette Q. I've heard you countless times growing up and its only now that I can feel for you. I'm really really really sorry.

Now is the time to make things happen, to make all our dreams a reality. All this time, it just dawned on me that I'm moving in the wrong direction. We all have only one life to live. Opportunities come to those who seek it. I intend to persevere until I realize it...and enjoy the consequences it will bring.

I will do it for myself and Anton.

Lihis ng Daan

2007-09-17T17:46:00.000+08:00

Na-iiyak na naman ako. May mga panahon na malakas ang tiwala ko sa sarili ko, meron naman mga araw na hindi ko alam kung saan ako kukuha ng tibay ng loob. Tulad na ng nasabi ko noon, likas na sa akin ang magtago ng tunay kong dinaramdam. Mahirap aminin pero itong mga araw na nakaraan, sinisipingan na naman ako ng lumbay. Hindi ko ninanais iparating pa sa mga kaibigan ang ganitong damdamin dahil ayoko marinig nila sa akin ang mga ganitong bigkas. Alam nila na kaya ko magdala ng kahit anong pag-subok .

Marahil, dala lamang ito ng pagdating ni Anton at lilipas din. Maaari din na dala ito ng iba ko pang responsibilitad sa amin, ang obligasyon sa bayad ng bahay, ang pamalengke, pang-grocery, bayad sa kuryente at tubig, at kung ano-ano pang saring pangangailangan, maliban sa pag-aaruga kay Anton. Iba yun. Sinisipingan ako ng tamlay at ayaw pa nitong umalis. Marahil, ninanais ko din na meron na sanang mag-mahal sa akin.

Ayoko tumanda. Napansin ko na habang tumatagal ang panahon, malimit na ako mag-balik tanaw. Sa totoo lang, hindi ko din nakikita na tatanda ako. Bakit ganun?

Quiet Time

2007-08-29T06:12:00.000+08:00

It has been 2 weeks since I brought Anton home from Medical City. After the initial diaper changing fiascos (getting a fresh dose of poo or a fountain of wiwi in the middle of a diaper change) and conceding that I cannot breastfeed him exclusively, the household since then, has slowly adjusted to the presence of the newest member of the family and has finally settled into a daily routine.

Yaya Edith looks after Anton during the day and I alternate with her starting at about 10am, when she needs to wash or iron his clothes and sterilize his bottles. She stays with me until about midnight and I solely take over from there until about 4am. My mom takes over until about 6:30am when Yaya comes up to relieve her.

I would stare tiredly at my sleeping son at 2AM after one of our feeding, burping and rock-me-to-sleep sessions and still can’t believe that he’s really here. Disturbing as it may sound, I still can’t believe I got pregnant. Honestly. I already mentioned before that I never thought it would happen considering the circumstance occured only once. My friend Jean put it most eloquently when she said that Anton came at the right time. If he had come earlier, I might have been in a position where I’d be struggling to support him financially. Any later, and it would already be too risky to become pregnant. It was his time to come to me when he was conceived, regardless of who the father might have been.

Ah, Anton’s father. He is but a dim memory. He accompanied me once to the Ultrasound Center in Alabang to confirm my pregnancy (ultrasound age showed I was 6 weeks already on the way at the time) and he knows I’d be due in August. Like some bad dream, he washed his hands off the “inconvenience” early on and I never attempted to contact him again.

Anton is mostly me, I would like to think. He has my blood type (A+), and he has my family’s features. I have a baby picture where I made a facial expression which I see Anton do now. Will be sure to post both pictures here soon. My parents are crazy over him, and my brother, hmmm, well, he still hasn’t carried Anton in his arms though he checks up on him once in a while. I think guys who are at the peak of their bachelorhood are not too crazy about babies.

In between sleeping and feeding, he is in this quiet state of alertness that I enjoy observing. Anton likes his little feet and hands caressed and he rewards me with a hint of a smile and a sigh. He throws up his legs and his arms in the air when he gets surprised by a car door being slammed or with the thudding noise of something heavy thrown in the waste basket. He can however, sleep through all the ruckus that the carpenters make because he’s used to hearing these while in the womb.

Monday late afternoon, I went to the salon for some time for myself and in the middle of my manicure/pedicure, my thoughts kept going to the baby I left in the house and couldn’t resist calling Yaya Edith to ask how he is. I felt a pang of guilt by being away for a few hours and upon getting home, went directly to his crib.

August seems to be a significant month for me. A year ago, I was recovering from Dengue fever. The year before that, I was adjusting to a new job with CGAM. Next year, apart from Anton celebrating his one year, who knows? My life is no longer the same and I don’t even know where its going to lead me hereon. The only clear thing in my head is that I can no longer imagine life without my baby and I will make sure I will be around to support his needs (materially and emotionally), the best way I can.

Sweet Baby

2007-08-19T18:07:00.000+08:00

And here he is…all soft and innocent, finding himself thrusted into his mother’s crazy and imperfect world, prepared to survive, come what may.

I found out that the aches and pains of a growing belly is nothing compared to finally being face to face with your newborn child, defenseless and demanding of your constant emotional assurance and nutritional sustenance. His coming into my life, for one thing, has definitely changed my sleeping habits. I’ve kissed the 9am waking hour goodbye during the weekend …and weekday for that matter, and I am at his beck and call 24/7. I’m awake when he’s awake and that’s every 1.5 hour to 2 hours each day and night. The slightest squeak of the crib sends me to a state of alertness from 0 to 10. Anton has a yaya to help me watch over him though I still can't help looking over my shoulder to see what he's up to.

I cried following the day we brought him home from the hospital. I got so exhausted trying to put him to sleep that night without the infant formula and only trickles of milk were coming out from my breasts. He would wake up every 30 minutes to feed and he’d cling to the nipple for dear life. Good God, and that’s an understatement. He also had problems latching onto my left breast as the nipple is not protruded enough, thus overusing my right breast to the point of it getting tremendously sore. This has greatly reduced my capacity to catch up on his demand for milk. Enter infant formula (Similac Advance) which I now rely on during periods when it’s too painful to breastfeed him.

Slowly as the days passed, I got over the initial qualms and can now hold him every which way, changing his soiled disposable diapers, and not panicking at the sound of his lusty cry. Now, I let him cry his lungs out as I slowly and meticulously change him and prepare his bottle (on a given hour that I don’t breastfeed him), with matching cooing sounds.

We’re learning from each other and I’m so glad that Anton is very forgiving (he has no choice, hehe). The next thing to look forward to is a 3 hour non-stop sleep, yep, one step at a time.

Another SMS from "R"

2007-08-09T11:56:00.000+08:00

R: "Why are you on leave?"

Obviously, the staff in the office have been telling callers that I'm already on Maternity Leave as I've been receiving mobile calls from my Accounts congratulating me on my soon to be Mom status, others saying that they didn't know that I got married (questions like these I had to sidestep).

And so, here I am on my old, trying-hard laptop, corresponding with the office through email and I get the above text. So my answer was,

Ton: Nada. I didn't text back.

Its not that I'm still carrying a lovey-dovey olympiad torch for "R". Its more of a " could you just please just stay where you are and please don't ask me anymore questions about my life now" kind of thing. Sure, we had something really great in the past but that's over (he'd seen to that) so he shouldn't be breezing back and expecting me to be the same person that he left.

I know that one can never keep something for so long. A balikbayan college friend rang me up recently, saying that she wanted to round up our old college group, for a trip down memory lane. She got tongue-tied for a while when I told her I was pregnant and to think that we would correspond by email, albeit seldomly.

Anyway, I don't want to be rude to "R" so I hope he doesn't call my mobile to press further because if he does, we both might end up getting upset all over again and its just a waste of my breath.

I'll be seeing and holding and touching and smelling my Anton this Saturday, August 11, 2007, at Medical City. I'm excited, I'm terrified and I'm happy. Can you believe that I'm experiencing all these 3 emotions simultaneously? Like my friend, Fred said, "Its a new chapter in your life."

It definitely is.

A Mom in Two Weeks then Forever More

2007-07-30T00:56:00.000+08:00

As I type this, I'm already on the 3rd day of my 78 days Maternity Leave. I had pre-term contractions while in the office which led to some bleeding, prompting my OB to advise bedrest for the remaining 2 weeks leading to my D-day at Medical City on August 11 (C-section).

Inspite of my leave, I continue to work from the house, sending emails back and forth to the office, continue to update and provide recommendations regarding the accounts. My dad couldn't believe that I'd still get things done at work. You gotta hand it to technology. :-D The thing is, the Modem I'm using now belongs to dad's office so I can only use the internet during the weekends and late afternoons during the weekdays. And man, downloading our Website to get into the Office Network takes a looong time. That's why I've been logging in late at night and staying up until past 2am so the connections are faster and I can work better.

My mom, who has been staying in L.A. since April 24 to look after my sick Uncle is finally coming home on August 5. Photo finish siya. She totally missed my 3rd trimester whims. I now weigh 152 lbs and can no longer embrace myself in the waist. Needless to say, when I look down, I no longer see my toes. Haha! Ang BIGAT na, sobra, and I can't sleep comfortably and still can't breathe properly becoz Anton is still settled way up high courtesy of my narrow pelvic bone.

But I'm really glad that all these discomforts will be over soon and I can finally see my baby boy. :-D I was thinking earlier that there are so many things that Anton will learn and explore, so many opportunities open for him to grab, and I know that from the moment he learns to walk and talk, he will make me shed tears of joy as I watch his accomplishments and tears of pain when I share his heartaches.

I now understand when they say a Mom will always be a Mom....and many years from now, when he's all grown up, I will look back on this very night and remember the feel of him inside my womb, inching his little head closer and closer to the birth canal, feeling his little kicks that literaly rocks me sideways, whispering soothing words as I caress my belly that holds him safe and warm...and shed new tears of happiness for my son.

A Slight Work Blah

2007-07-12T16:48:00.000+08:00

The level of enthusiasm in going to work has slightly decreased somewhat following a performance appraisal made last month. My boss says that after 2 years on the SPV scene, I have not relinquished my Corporate Banking AO work attitude. In short, I remain to be very pro-Borrower.

He did start off the performance review by saying all my positive qualities and strengths (yada yada yada and more yada yada yada, - hmmm, I have a lot of yada yadas pala), but the bottomline is, I’m not aggressive enough to squeeze more cash from my Accounts knowing that the primary goal is to cut a juicy deal and finish it QUICK. No room for further pleasantries unless we see other future business deals with the company.

In the end, he gave me a Needs Improvement rating (no matter how many settlement offers I was getting due to my supposed rapport with my borrowers) and was told that for me to shine with the kind of personality that I have (you’re too nice Tonette, you gotta be two-faced), its always a good idea to return to Corporate Banking or try out an Industry that will allow me to interact freely with clients.

I said my piece in return, citing purchase cost constraints, transparency, parameters, differences in opinions and approaches, and these were all noted down. But then again, it all boils down to PROFIT and I need to generate more of it. Otherwise……

Days following this performance appraisal found me thinking again of my future and this time, putting Anton’s welfare as priority. I disclosed in this blog 2 years ago that I am receiving 2x plus my net salary from previously working in a bank and this has allowed me to enjoy looking at a savings passbook that is currently enjoying a 6 digit balance.

The salary was more than enough when I was alone. With Anton coming plus other expenses of which I share responsibility with my brother, the present salary is adjusted to secure Anton and I through, be able to continually settle other financial responsibilities, and hopefully enjoy a bit of luxury here and there. Getting a job that will pay less than what I am earning now will definitely rock the comfort zone but hopefully will remain manageable.

The thought of leaving the Philippines to work somewhere else briefly entered my mind but I scratched it off almost immediately. Before Anton, this option was always a possibility but not anymore. Leaving him in a day-care center or something equivalent in the host country while I’m out working, left a bitter taste in my tongue. Leaving him behind is unthinkable.

And so, I’ve decided that for as long as I don’t receive any walking papers (and I do hope not!), I will continue to perform the work here as best as I can but at the same time, start looking for opportunities outside of the SPV. Once I pursue this option, it would mean a significant pay-cut but I know I’ll be able to adjust and work around this bit of a hitch. Anton is with me, and with my parents presence, I will be able to provide him a stable family unit that he can comfortably grow up in.

Dearest Tagaytay Buddy

2007-06-27T09:45:00.000+08:00

Tagaytay Buddy came to Manila on a business trip last June 21 which he extended up to the weekend and we took the opportunity to hook up again. I really like spending time with TB as he has a soothing presence, making me reaffirm that everything is going to be alright, that I can be myself when I’m around him, that we will always be there for each other.

I brought him to Footloose at The Fort Strip for some Thai Foot Massage ( I had a Foot Scrub) then had dinner at Secret Recipe, a new eating joint that’s slowly becoming popular with the corporate denizens of Bonifacio Global City located at the HSBC Building. He stayed at the Traders Hotel along Roxas Boulevard, a business hotel managed by Shangrila Hotels, which had a commanding view of the Cultural Center of the Philippines (CCP). Really nice. :-)

Saturday, I took him to the Mall of Asia where we watched an IMAX 3-Dflick (Ant-Bully) then Japanese dinner after. At some point, I started telling him a bit more about Anton’s dad which distressed me a little bit but nothing that a few sniffs can’t cure.

I’m blessed to have my Buddy in my life and I thank God for him everyday. For everything you have been to me...and to Anton na din up to this point, thank you so much, my dearest Buddy. :-)

P.S.

Anton is going on 7 months 2 weeks in my tummy and packing up a whallop. Konting tiis na lang. It gets harder to move around now and sleeping soundly is a thing of the past. There seems to be no comfortable sitting nor lying position anymore and I’ve already grown to 148lbs....a gain of 23 lbs.

An "I" no longer but "Us"

2007-06-04T13:27:00.000+08:00

I was telling my friend, Pat M. how much I am looking forward to my son's birth come August and that all I really want to do after that happens is to hold him close, gaze at him, kiss him, smell him. Anton is the miracle of which I've been blessed to have been given, the privelege of participating in God's continuing creation of Life. With this privelege comes the knowledge that Anton belongs to God and he will follow the path that God has made out for him the moment he was conceived.

But that's still a long time from now. In the meantime, I look forward to being his constant companion, his playmate, storyteller, caregiver, ally...his mother. And the next time someone asks me if there's someone home waiting for me, my answer will be yes, my little boy is at home, waiting for me.

Home is where Anton is. Nothing is more important now, nothing will ever come close.

Pregnant Me in Tagaytay

2007-05-28T19:43:00.000+08:00

6 months and one week into my pregnancy and I feel like I’m carrying Baby Shamu. My OB says that for a first timer, my pregnancy is a bit big. The thing is, I don’t eat too much naman coz I get full right away. My breathing each day is starting to get labored as Anton continues to take up more space in my uterus, pushing and squeezing my vital organs to the side. Sleeping on my left side is the most comfortable position I can muster as I can just roll of the bed to get up. Haha! Really, its hard to get a comfortable sleeping position at this stage and I imagine that it will be so until I deliver. However, I still like watching the progress of my growing belly in the mirror, front, sideways and rear end. Wow, if it already feels like Baby Shamu now, what more in my 9th month?

I spent the weekend in Tagaytay with my Tagaytay Buddy and we stayed at Days Hotel. We had a very comfy stay as Days was quite preggy friendly. All rooms have a porch that faced Taal Lake and complimentary breakfast was quite good. It was cloudy that Saturday but we managed to visit Sonya’s Garden / Bed and Breakfast just for Tagaytay Buddy to see what the place was all about. We looked into the biggest room (can accommodate 13-16 people) and although each room is quite dainty with lace curtains, bed linens and pillowcases, there were no doors separating the rooms. Its ok to stay there if you’re with your ka-berks, but not when you want privacy.

Of course, the experience of being in Sonya’s Garden centers on the food where you eat salads and pasta grown from her own garden arranged in quaint and dainty cups, plates and silverware. As I have experienced dining in Sonya’s Garden before, her secret recipe that makes people go for her salads is the dressing. Really a meal in itself. Tagaytay Buddy however, is not too keen on pasta, salad and veggies but did enjoy walking around the garden.

There was not much activity open for me considering my condition so visiting Caleruega to see the new water fountain attraction that was located along the driveway going down did not seem like a good idea. The walking down was not a problem but the walking back up was…unless Tagaytay Buddy was willing to carry 143 pounds worth of me and Anton together in one go. Haha!

Anyway, Tagaytay has always been the place to relax and unwind and the past 2 days was no exception. We topped the weekend at Café Breton at Sta. Rosa (had yummy burger and chicken sandwhiches) for our late Sunday lunch (1:30pm) before hitting the SLEX back to Manila.

Its really hard for me to get back to corporate mode after having a Tagaytay weekend. All my pregnant body wanted to do was prolong my relaxed state and I was late for work the following day. I hope TB enjoyed the weekend as much as I did as it was also a time for him to clear his head and soothe his broken heart.

A Special Blessing

2007-05-01T20:51:00.000+08:00

Its not a secret that I’ve always wanted to raise my own family someday and everyone who knows me knows that. At 28, I daydream of rearing 2 boys and a girl (in that order, by the way) and I thought I was going to get it soon at that time.

Unfortunately, it didn’t turn out that way I hoped that it would and as I got older... 30...33...35...38, I conceded that maybe I wasn’t fated to be a mother after all. Then, just one night, Anton happened and knowing about it a few weeks later flooded me with all sorts of emotions, from being scared then turning incredulous and finally morphing to loving amazement. Anton is here after 10 years of waiting.

My family couldn’t disguise their glee and my friends (the ones who mean the most) are very happy for me. “Finally,” they said, “you won’t be alone anymore.” Few questions were thrown regarding Anton’s father and I appreciated it that way. Obviously, the father is not around and never will be.

In front of my family and friends, I put up a brave front, proclaiming that I can raise and support Anton on my own. That’s true to a high degree but what I don’t tell them is that I’m also scared and part guilty. Guilty that I’m bringing my baby into the world without ever knowing a father’s love and still trying to find the right words to say when he’s old enough to ask where his father is. Scared because as the days continue to draw near to bringing him forth, I still don’t know a single thing about being a mother and I might disappoint him. Scared that he’s upbringing rests solely on me and I might be too harsh or to lenient and I will make a lot of mistakes. Along with the many potential possibilities as to the person he will become, I am apprehensive of what our future together will be. I will protect him but who will protect both of us? With this, I rely on prayers which gives me an overall positive outlook on things.

Each day I look at my growing belly in the mirror, feeling him moving around in my womb, the little jabs and kicks that is occurring more and more, especially if I play him some music. This little boy holds my heart and I already know I will love him forever.

Time Out

2007-04-18T13:23:00.000+08:00

Gee, at this very minute, I am sooooo sleepy that I know that if I give in to it, I'll wake up two hours later. Bad to look at professionally, but will work wonders for Anton. I finished one wafer of the Time-Out Chocolate snack hoping to get some energy going and will brush my teeth in a short while to shake off the snooze urge.

But man, everything in my system is crying for sleep and the mental direction for home. Oh well.

Follow-up Text

2007-04-02T13:36:00.000+08:00

"So where will you be Holy Weekend?", came the text from R.

Hmmm, I thought the text messages that resurrected a few weeks ago was just a fluke. Apparently, it wasn't.

So I texted back. "House. You and your Dad will do the yearly thing in Quiapo, right?"

"Yeah, nagti-timing lang when I can go there and visit. Ayoko maka-istorbo."

I mentioned the exchange to my mom who said, "He'll probably say, 'Tonette, bakit hindi nalang ako?"

I thought about R and what we had... and we had a lot of everything. Movie dates, dinner dates, spur of the moment dates, out of town trips, quiet times, just the two of us. Then slowly, things changed and then "we" ceased to exist.

What is it that determines whether you go for the full nine yards and get married or you break up and let the one left behind to pick up the pieces and move on.

No one knows. Some are really lucky to find it and keep it. For others, like me, maybe its not yet time.

Let It Be Me

2007-03-30T12:46:00.000+08:00

The office is at a lull today. The Germans left this morning (da! liebschen) and some of the staff went out to lunch.

Me, as always, decided to stay back and just surf the Net. Tamad to go out during lunch time, its so hot! So, I'm sitting here with my ice cold White Chocolate Mocha from Starbucks humming a tune.

"Hmmmmm...so never leave me lonely, tell me you'll love me only, and that you'll always, let it be me."

Guy and Pip were at the height of their popularity ( so was Bot and Ate Vi) when I was growing up in the 70's. I remember my Yaya Floring buying tagalog magazines with pictures of these loveteams and watching their movie reruns on our big Black&White TV (a model carried over from the late 1960's). Siyempre, since she's watching them, I'm found to be watching them as well. Together with hearing the name "Ma. Leonora Theresa", I associate Let It Be Me with the Guy and Pip loveteam. Dad said the song was popularized by the Everly Brothers (who they????) but to me, Let It Be Me was immortalized by Guy and Pip and I remember warm sunny days, soft warm nights, and my secure little world will never change.

1975. I was 7 years old. My grandparents were all still alive, the strong-man was into his 3rd year of Martial Rule and Guy and Pip ruled TV land.

Let It Be Me

(Listen to Melody here)

I bless the day I found you.

I want to stay around you.

And so I beg you,

Let it be me.

Don't take this heaven from one.

If you must cling to someone.

Now and forever,

let it be me.

Each time we meet love,

I find complete love

Without your sweet love,

what would life be.

So never leave me lonely.

Tell me you'll love me only.

And that you'll always

let it be me.

Just Surprised

2007-03-13T09:21:00.000+08:00

I received a simple text message yesterday.

“How are you?”

Not recognizing the number, I ignored it. Then came the next text.

“Its me, R. I called the bank. You left na pala.”

Wow, after close to 3 years since last we talked, I get this. So what, papa-importante pa ba ako? Nah, too old and too tired.

“Ok lang, dami trabaho.. Ikaw?”

“Same Same. I’d like to visit sana your mom, mangangamusta lang. How’s your lovelife?”

Already recovering from my intial surprise at this point, I was waiting for some emotion to come out of me, something…anything….pero… nothing, I didn’t feel anything at all.

“We transferred na, moved nearer to Villanueva gate.” (he knows our subdivision like the back of his hand).

“Text kita pag pupunta nako, ok lang?”

“Sure”, I texted.

And that was it.

I’ve changed a lot over the past 3 years and so has my circumstances. If ever he does come to the house, it’ll be like meeting me for the first time. He will pry when he sees the change but I don’t owe him any explanation.

Strange really. I didn’t think I was ever going to get over him. I loved him so much and it broke my heart when it ended. I remember our good times together, a lot of them, fond memories which now what it will remain to be.

I’ve been receiving a lot of curve balls lately. Let’s see what kind of curve ball R is bringing if he does come and visit. For all we know, the text message incident was just a fluke.

Relax, see a Movie

2007-02-28T18:06:00.000+08:00

This is a cute movie. Try to see it. The duet between Hugh Grant and Drew Barrymore is so catchy, the girls sing it in the ladies room where most get together afterwards. Haha!

A HUMAN'S LOVE

2007-02-19T13:01:00.000+08:00

I lost Pitchet. He's been missing since Tuesday early morning. The Monday night that he was with me, he was sprawled on my bed as I lay sleeping...the bedroom door open. The following early morning, he must've slipped past the maid who had to go out for her weekly marketing duties and didn't notice him. By the time I went down for breakfast, he had wandered too far from our reach.

I couldn't stop crying for 2 days and neither could my mom. We put out fliers with his picture, oferring a reward to the one who can bring him back, though I knew it was a futile attempt as Pitchet would not let anyone but family near him. He gets spooked easly with strangers and this drove him further away from our new home.

Human love is unconditional and when a human loves, it manifests itself in words and in deeds. From the moment I got Pitchet from the pet store in September of 2005 all of age 2 months, never a day passed that I didn't feed him, stroke him, carried him, played with him, and as he got older, the trips to the vet, buying his food and litter, allowing him to sleep on my bed. In return, he greets me each time I get home, anticipates the time I wake up, purrs contentedly when I stroke him.

The pain of losing Pitchet is the same pain I felt when I lost my grandmother, the same pain I felt the few times I have loved a man and had gotten hurt. It didn't matter that he was a cat, I loved him as I would love another human being.

Akin to love lost, I wish that whoever finds Pitchet will give him a warm home, keep him healthy and most of all, someone who will love him and give him much more that what I was able to give him when he was with me.

I should stop crying, its distressing Anton, I can feel it.

Home is Where the Heart is

2007-02-05T10:08:00.000+08:00

Thursday night. 7:05pm. The plane was making its final approach at the Ninoy Aquino International Airport (NAIA) as my boss Dave A and I looked silently outside the plane window, watching Metro Manila’s flickering lights coming closer and closer until the familiar thudding sound signaled the plane’s touch down.

It was the end of another business trip covering Cebu and Bacolod, Bacolod being the last leg of the trip where I again experienced the warm hospitality of Mr. Romie Cortez. Earlier that day, we visited his sugar central and particle board plant. It was milling season in Sagay and slow moving trucks piled high with sugar cane were occupying the roads. Once in a while, we’d run into trucks that turned on its side on the road, spilling sugar canes on the ground. “That’s a common sight during this time,” explains Mr Cortez. We topped the Bacolod trip with a visit to some of Silay’s ancestral houses. I do so love looking at old homes.

While waiting for our luggage (which includes styro boxes laden with crabs, sugpo and tuna courtesy of Mr. Cortez), Dave remarked that there’s no place like home and asked who’d be waiting for me. “No one,” I was about to say then replied that my dad was picking me up.

I call Metro Manila home but it no longer feels home. I don’t feel its welcoming embrace but rather its mocking atmosphere that says matira, matibay (survival of the fittest). Years and years ago, home to me was where my parents were, most specifically where my mom was. As long as I was with them, I was home.

Then I grew up, experienced things on my own and for a while called New Hampshire home for 3 years. New Hampshire became home to me because my heart was in it: I fell in love with the State and its people, the laid-back lifestyle, the time when foliage arrives and where everywhere I looked, there were so much bursts of color that you feel you are inside an oil painting. I was independent and I reveled in it. If you want some entertainment, Boston was an hour’s drive away, driving at a leisure 70-75 miles per hour.

Yes, I’ve grown up and I continue to have my share of strike outs and home-runs. But now, though I continue to live with my parents, it no longer feels home. Home is where your Heart is and while I was up on that plane, looking down at Metro Manila below, it felt like coming home to a big empty house.

NOT MUCH TO SAY

2007-01-17T12:57:00.000+08:00

I haven't been posting, I know. Truth is, I'm losing the appetite to blog lately. My friend Fred told me about Life throwing us curve balls when we least expect it. I got thrown a curve ball late December 2006. Will let you guys know about it soon enough.

In the meantime, work is just really my life now...work and the fit-outs of our new townhouse which, by the way, is costing me a pretty penny. Will post pictures once its finished.

Until then. I'm working on Bayantel at the moment. JPMorgan is giving me the cold shoulder following some stinging email correspondences we had with each over the past two days. Hhhmp!

CHRISTMAS BREAK

2006-12-22T17:37:00.000+08:00

Its quarter to 6pm and we are still neck deep in work. No Christmas decor in the office, no one has turned on some music, no one opened booze, no one is in the Yuletide mood, for crying out loud. Its really just a regular working day.

I don't know if its me but Christmas cheer seems to escape the majority of the populace, that is, as far as those that I've spoken to so far, with regard to this observation.

Maybe I'm just getting old.

By the way, this tree greets all the guests staying at The Waterfront Hotel, Lahug City in Cebu. I was in Cebu last month for a hearing for one of my Cebu-based accounts and I always stay at the Waterfront.

WET AND WILD IN CAGAYAN DE ORO

2006-12-07T16:50:00.000+08:00

A text message I received early this morning from my dive mate Ivy A.:

1:16am - Here’s a sweet truth: Someday…..someone will walk into your life and make you realize why it never worked out with anyone else….. :-D

Siyeeeet, sarap naman!

Anyway, I got to accomplish one of my TO DO list over the long weekend and that is WHITE WATER RAFTING in Cagayan de Oro!!! The threat of Typhoon Reming making a direct hit in Metro Manila became a concern as I already booked the trip and have advised Patrick A. (one of the guys helping out at work who is based in CDO) that I was going ahead with my plan of spending an outdoorsy long weekend in his hometown. Lucky for Metro Manila, Reming changed course and no cancellation of flights were advised by Cebu Pacific except for flights headed to Bicol where the typhoon was at the height of its fury. Later on we were to find out the depth of devastation Reming brought to the province.

Flight out of Manila to CDO was supposed to be at 11:45am but because of the weather disturbance, yada yada yada, it was moved to 3pm. An hour or so later, the sky became downcast as the plane was making its final approach towards CDO airport and soon after the plane touched down, the skies opened pouring down torrential rains. Waaaaah, ang sama ng panahon!!! It took a while to get out of the plane as the airport personnel were handling out umbrellas to each passenger at the bottom of the moveable stairway under the mercy of the rain.

So, although I spent the first day of my vacation lounging in airport terminals, Patrick and the rest of the MCDII gang more than made up for the slight glitch in the vacation plans by treating us to a mucho delicioso dinner at Kagayan-on restaurant near the Limketkai Mall. Tumambling ako sa sarap!!! Sugbang baboy, kinilaw, adobong kangkong, kare-kare, ensalada with bagoong, boullabaise soup (major yumminess!), steamed fish and plain rice. For dessert, we headed to this place called Candy’s which is also situated within the area (parang Ayala Center na ng CDO yung Limketkai mall area) and had 3 kinds of cakes (chocolate with caramel filling, pistachio cake and carrot cake) plus coffee. I was holding my enlarged tummy and begged that we walk back to the hotel.

Next day was WHITE WATER RAFTING DAY (5 hours of paddling in class 4 rapids where we went through 14 rapids which also included a swim in the very cool Cagayan River) plus the 6 stage ZIPLINE in Mapawa Nature Park and the baby CANOPY WALK we did at the Malasag Eco-park. Whew, that was a long tiring day. After another nakaka-tumbling sa sarap na dinner at Dear Manok (super sarap grilled chicken similar to Chicken bacolod, kinilaw, adobong kangkong, pansit and garlic rice) it was back to Candy’s for our dessert. After dessert, Patrick and Zeny were inviting to visit Ateneo de Cagayan, their college alma mater, as there was a School Fair going on and a lot of Patrick’s friends were there, but nah, I was too tired. From Candy’s , we walked again back to the Hotel, had a very nice massage, and immediately fell asleep

Early Sunday morning found ourselves headed this time to Bukidnon to see the Del Monte pineapple plantation. We had breakfast at the Del Monte Lodge before proceeding to the plantation. Sayang, no pineapples yet to be harvested at the sight where we were but we did get to taste some pineapples that were harvested from another area. Refreshingly cool and sweet!!!

Return trip to Manila was on time at 1:45pm. There were still so many things to do like visit the Church of the Transfiguration and the Mahambos Cave and trekking and kayaking/canoeing pero next time nalang ulit when I return. For pasalubong to the people back home, I bought some Aling Cheding’s Peanuts from Iligan City, as well as pineapples and Lanzones from Camiguin.

It was the most activity-filled vacation I’ve ever had in a long time and this is the classic case of wanting to take a vacation from a vacation coz I’m still tired. Hehehe!

BACK-SLIDING

2006-11-23T22:43:00.000+08:00

I had this dream last night, or was it the night before (?), about me riding a ferris wheel. It was one of those small town 12-open cart ferris wheels, with rusty bars and rusty latches, which gives you a false sense of security. Anyway, in my dream, my cart was always the one on top that's about to come down, the one that makes my stomach churn as it moves forward to make the descent. I was holding the sides of the cart ever so tightly, afraid that if I let go, I was going to fall off. I went on several turns until the dream faded.

Ever been in a situation where you're standing or sitting in front of a guy who just wants to be your friend, talking about the most mundane of things, when all you want to do is to hold his hand, or to hug him tight and whisper in your heart that you love him?

Loving a person doesn't guarantee that he will love you back the way you want him to. When we don't get what we want, we do a showbiz scenario and perform the usual "don't call me" spiel, but in the end, you just have to accept what he can give you because you'd rather have him in your life than not having him at all. You continue to love him secretly, to enjoy his company, while taming all the impulses that wants to be acknowledged at the sight of him.

I'm sorry but I'm still in love with him and I know that for as long as I continue to be friends with him, its not going to go away, its not going to go away, its not going to go away. But I also know that I can't let go of his friendship because he really is a good person. This is the real deal situation and I really have to live with it, to maintain an arm's length distance no matter how hard, and having said that, to continue with my life's journey and one day hope to meet the right someone who is worthy of replacing him in my heart.

BLIND DATE

2006-11-17T16:46:00.000+08:00

Lately, Lyn and Bernadette have been pairing me off with friends of their friends. They’ve been at it since the beginning of this month which I find amusing coz they’re getting all worked up doing all the planning and they’re so excited about it.

“I’m not looking, you know, " as I’ve repeatedly said, but Bernadette had to insist. “Ay basta! Hindi pwedeng hinde. Ok, si _ _ _ _. May itsura siya, mabait, smart, stable, you’ll like him.” So this friend of Dette’s friend set a date for us on December 5.

Lynn, on the other hand, has set me up for a November 29, Italian dinner date at Carpaccio’s with this guy from UCPB na Bernadette knows pala. “Ton, for the first time, pumayag makipag-blind date si _ _ _. Ayaw makipag-blind date nyan dati." To which Dette interrupted, “Ay, tahimik yun! Baka mainip ka lang, pero try mo pa rin, malay mo, baka nagbago na,” And off they chatted, playing matchmakers, wishing me happily ever after.

You know what I want to do? I want to go White Water Rafting in Cagayan de Oro, do the Canopy walk amidst centuries-old trees and do the Zipline, be able to go to Antulang sometime in the next year or two with my future sweetie and hopefully insert a dive activity (hehe!), get the cooperation of my Borrowers and have them do a cash settlement with me, go to Europe and visit Paris, Spain, Italy, Austria, Germany, get a new laptop, to expect less and to give more.

Of course its nice to have somebody to love. Almost everyone wants to have someone. Sayang, I’m sure pa naman I’d have good looking kids coz 50% is guaranteed mine. Haha, yabang!

So, as my friends continue setting me up with whoever, I look forward to my badminton games, my dive trips to Anilao and Subic with Bel at the helm, to our new townhouse that’s competing with my Europe fund, and to the quiet moments at home, blogging or reading, with Pitchet looking up at me with his adoring blue eyes.

CERTIFIED!!!

2006-11-13T13:02:00.000+08:00

I went wreck diving again in Subic last Saturday with Bel and his best buddy, Eddie Boy. Actually, Subic is not the best place to go diving if you want to see lots of marine life. The water is murky, for one thing. On certain days, visibility is good but you’re lucky if it happens at the time you’re there. If, however, exploring shipwrecks is your thing, then yes, Subic is the place. Dive Instructors prefer Subic to Anilao for check out dives because there’s no current.

The weather didn’t look too encouraging that day because Typhoon Queenie was raging somewhere in the northern provinces so Bel decided that in case water visibility is bad, we’ll just do a day dive and go home after dinner. We did just that and not because of the storm, but because it would be more costly for us to stay overnight as there’s only 3 of us.

So, 3 easy dives for me, deepest at 80ft where the wreck of the USS New York was. I saw a lone barracuda and a lot of those upside down lean fishes, with a long “snout”… don’t know what they’re called. Second dive was at the wreck site of Sunken Tin where the corals are alive and more aquatic animals to be seen like clown fishes, angel fish, spanish dancer, and lion fish. Third dive was at the wreck site of El Kapitan where I finally passed by CESSA drill (Controlled Emergency Swimming Ascent) where at a depth of about 20 ft., I had to take one full breath from my regulator and exhale slowly (aaaahhhhhh…. streaming bubbles) while ascending until I broke the surface and inflated my BCD manually, making myself float. I was so proud of myself that very moment because…I MADE IT! All of Bel’s patience and admonitions paid off. I’m now a certified open water diver!!!!!

Of course, I still need to practice my buoyancy and finning pero that should come along fine eventually as I log in more dives. I look back and remember how much I struggled learning the skills during my pool sessions and how far I’ve gone since then. Now privileged to observe marine life in their natural habitat, the difficulties I encountered during the pool sessions were worth it.

We left Subic around 8:30pm after gorging on pork barbeque and rice. I was feeling so giddy that when I got home past midnight, I couldn’t sleep because I was reliving the day spent underwater.

As the Korean divers would say, “Its very OK!!”

..and people say I'm Nice.

2006-11-08T17:20:00.000+08:00

Like a lot of churchgoers, I find my thoughts wandering every so often during Mass, especially if the priest starts to chastise the congregation by not tithing enough or by insisting that a spouse be faithful. For one thing, one shouldn’t be compelled to give more than what he wants to give…even though the person can afford it. Two, how can a priest possibly be an authority on how to function in a marital relationship or a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship when he hasn’t, or should I say, will never, experience it? (note: I’m sure there are priests out there who are presently in “relationships” ).

My last confession was in 2000, when I was in the midst of a relationship crises. I never went back simply because the priest started chastising me and I was getting defensive. Parang, teka muna. You have no idea what I’m going through so back off your godly high horse. I learned that when you’re seeking for advise, ask it from a person who actually went through with what you’re going through because they know how it FEELS like, and not how IT MUST BE like.

My friend Aster doesn’t like going to church because she feels she’s being a hypocrite by going there and not paying attention anyway. I respect that and I agree with her. What’s the point in going to Church if you'd rather stay outside talking to your friends or texting? Me, I attend Mass because 1) its an issue with my father if I don’t go, and 2) I do appreciate the quiet moments in the pew and not saying anything. Really, I no longer know how to express what’s in my heart and being in Church makes God feel nearer and just let HIM sense me. I honestly can do away with all the Catholic rituals and just concentrate on the Teachings.

I bet the nuns in St. Scho would get upset with this alumni if they get to read this post. Seriously, most of the time, distinguishing what is right and wrong no longer matters as long as you’re not hurting anybody, or as the familiar saying goes, " what you don't know won't hurt you". Because we are human and we are selfish, we do what we want to do as long as it feels good and the deed makes us happy. It will only start to matter if you get yourself hurt…but by then, its too late.

This Time, in Tanay.

2006-11-04T22:00:00.000+08:00

Each year, my EPCIB friends and I engage in an outreach activity that allows us to interact with people belonging to the lower, if at all, non-existent, income bracket of our society. Today, together with my friends Matet Elizaga, Emily Samoy and Elaine Rojas, with the special participation of Louie, Matet’s husband, we spent the morning with some kids and their families at an evacuation center in Tanay, Rizal. These families were displaced when typhoon Milenyo struck the Metro last Sept 28, and with their dwelling places right at the banks of the Pasig River, everything they owned were washed away by the flood waters.

According to the Tanay Municipal’s Office, there were initially 60 families living in the evacuation center right after the typhoon. This number has gone down to 50 families as the local government is trying its best to look for new resettlement places for each family. Unfortunately, with a budget of only P2,000 per family, finding a habitable place to resettle has been quite difficult.

Maintaining order in the center has also proven quite difficult for the Social Worker assigned to monitor these families. For one thing, there was the differences in religion to be considered as a significant number of the evacuees were Muslims and wouldn’t eat pork and had their own cultural observances. With a small budget and several families to feed, food is never enough and the evacuees would take it upon themselves to source food elsewhere.

Second, there were only 2 bathrooms for use of the men and the women, and although on rotation basis where a designated family is tasked to ensure that the toilet is kept clean and tidy, the toilet bowls keep getting destroyed and water keeps getting clogged.

Third, there are 3 families assigned to a “room”, a room being a few square meters of floor space divided by curtains, so there is no privacy. Most of the kids are sick with cough as they sleep on the cold floor of the center with just a cardboard to protect their backs. The center does not have enough mattresses to support each family.

I asked one of the mothers how they cope with the present situation. It is difficult for the kids because before the typhoon hit, most of the children were going to school. Now, the kids were asked to stay away from school temporarily. As to job opportunities for their husbands, the woman claimed that because some of the working documents and Identification Cards were carried by flood waters, the husbands have a hard time looking for a good job.

My friends and I have already come to the conclusion a long time ago that help for people like these can only come from a government program that will provide adequate education for the children and employment for the parents. Our dole-outs of rice, canned food, milk and biscuits can only satisfy for a short period of time, clearly not a long time solution. The only benefit that they derive from our presence is the time that we spend there talking to them, handing out grocery bags, entertaining their kids with parlor games and prizes, a break from an otherwise another sweltering hot day with nothing to look forward to…at least, for now.

EACH DAY

2006-10-28T13:48:00.000+08:00

I woke up this morning with the usual unwanted, but familiar, irritation somewhere in the chest area. Aaargh, a year from now, all of these mushy B.S. I've been writing about will sound so foolish and I will laugh about it, wondering why I cared too much. But that's a year from now and I gotta go through the motions. Sorry, Ton, hindsight is 20/20 as they say.

Onto other things. Diving. Diving is fun, no question about it. I'm the fumbling, bungleing idiotic newbie who still needs to fin properly but the dive groups that I've joined so far didn't have problems with that and even found myself being invited to join their group again. Its all in the spirit of loving the sport and getting better the longer I do it. Proof of that is already having the confidence to go underwater without the use of the line anymore. Slow but sure.

Badminton. Ah, badminton. I can say that I'm good in this sport...and I play to win. I'm passionate with my game and if not for the getting tired part, I'd play badminton with the Energizer Bunny. Hehe.

Cameron Granville (CGAM). If there's only one thing that my boss would do to make me really happy while under his employ, it is to sell Ludo. I will consider it a milestone in my career as I bundle up the Ludo files and watch it go to the Buyer. In 2002, I was Emily Samoy's unsuspecting AO, minding my own accounts, when she ceremoniously dropped the Credit Application (CA) and some Legal documents of Ludo onto my desk and said, "Ton, i-redenominate mo yan." I have transferred accounts before but this will be the first time, if it pushes through, that I will be closing a credit file mixed with a twinge of sentimental value. After all, its been with me for 4 good and quiet years, and where on the 4th year, I found myself accompanying it to CGAM.

The Future. I'm 38 years old, still a lot of windows and doors to open, still a lot of people to meet, still strong and healthy to do anything and everything that I want. I've already taken stock of who I am, what I want, slowly letting go of baggage that should no longer cloud my heart. I welcome my Future with full anticipation, equipped with the experiences of the Past, making me a better person.

CAN WE STILL BE FRIENDS

2006-10-27T16:00:00.000+08:00

Here I am, my face in front of another voluminous Omnibus Agreement with the words NATIONAL STEEL /GLOBAL ISPAT in bold letters (yada yada yada) when I heard this song being played in Lyn's I-POD. I liked this song immediately when I first heard it over the radio a long time ago and as the familiar words washed over the room, I stopped reading and sang along with Tod Rungren.

We can't play this game anymore
But can we still be friends?
Things just can't go on like before
But can we still be friends?

We had something to learn
Now its time for the wheel to turn
Grains of sand, one by one
Before you know its all gone.

Let's admit we made a mistake
But can we still be friends?
Heartbreak's never easy to take
But can we still be friends?

It's a strange, sad affair
Sometimes seems like we just don't care
Don't waste time feeling hurt
We've been through hell together.

We awoke from our dream
Things are not always what they seem
Memories linger on
It's like a sweet, sad, old song.

Can we still be friends?
Can we still get together sometimes?
You know that life will still go on.

FIRST TIME IN ANILAO

2006-10-25T19:05:00.000+08:00

October 21 dawned bright and clear, a perfect day to spend the weekend in the company of other divers going to Anilao, Batangas. Bell requested that he pick me up at my office at The Fort at 6am as he is passing by for another diver who lives along Mckinley Road in Forbes Park. The other diver turned out to be the one and only Mr. Dong Alegre, producer of musical plays in the Philippines, notable of which was Ms. Saigon, when it was staged here.

Enroute to Anilao, we stopped by McDonald’s located among the many petrol stops along the south superhighway (yikes, I used the words “petrol stop” instead of “gas station”….too much exposure to my aussie boss). We met up with the other divers there before proceeding to the much awaited destination, Outrigger Dive Resort.

Bell took the most scenic route, Tagaytay. He knows the road so much that we were zigzagging along the ridge similar to an advanced party motorcycle paving way for the SUV with the diplomat plate. Upon reaching the Arco ng Nasugbu, Bel made a left turn heading towards Lemery and as we continued zigging and zagging along the beautiful winding country road, the two guys made a running commentary about life, love and its related risks. With this topic, you bet we reached Outrigger thinking, “uy, bilis ng biyahe.” Hehe!

So there we were at the Outrigger Patio, 15 people with various diving skills under the watchful eye of Bell. I was roomies with 2 other girls, Michelle and Ivy, both working as analysts for Proctor and Gamble. Right after an early lunch (11:30am), we assembled our dive gears and waited for Bel for the Dive Plan.

We were to have 4 dives, 2 that Saturday and another 2 on Sunday. The first Dive Site was at Dive n Trek, a marine sanctuary where we enjoyed feeding the many colorful fishes and admiring the corals. Depth was a very comfortable 75 ft, visibility perfect, current nil. There was a statue of the virgin mother marking the spot in the sanctuary called Cathedral. Wish I can show a photo of what I saw as I’m very unfamiliar with the various coral species and names of the fish. Next time, I'll make sure to get one from the other divers. The second dive site is called Ligpo, where we were also at a comfortable depth of 60ft. Fish were not as plenty, though still as colorful, and there were a lot more corals here.

The long day ended with me having a light round of beers with the guys and some magic card tricks courtesy of Bell and Rommel. It was a perfect night. Stars out, fishing boats dotting the horizon, light breeze. I was the newbie and while the girls sang their hearts out in the karaoke room, I was getting the question and answer treatment from Bel and the other guys, a counselling if you may, as it was a nostalgic night and my story must've elicited some male instinct to protect the pretty girl with the teary eyes. Honestly, I really heard what they were saying and I understood them perfectly. Now, if only the heart can recover faster than you say ”diver down”. I remember a long ago blog post when I started questioning my actions and someone said, “go with the flow.” Puta, this is where it led me. Oh well.

Sunday also dawned bright and clear. After a light breakfast, Bel showed the dive plan for the day, Beatrice and Twin Rocks. You’ll see in the photos below how adept Bel is in drawing the dive sites, haha!

So, onto the chaseboat we piled and off to the 1st Dive Site we went. Unfortunately, we didn’t go down to Beatrice because the currents were strong so Bel directed the bankero to Bahura. I didn’t do too well in Bahura. Bel took us down to 90ft and I started hyperventilating. I guess I wasn’t used to seeing that number in my depth guage. Also, there was already a mild current going on and I was having problems keeping up with the others. When I got hold of my DM Dive Buddy, Jordan, I didn’t let go of his hand anymore. Bahura is a nice dive spot. Inspite of my difficulty, I did manage to appreciate the corals and fishes. Bel even signed Shark (!) but I didn’t see it. Sayang I didn’t enjoy Bahura too much coz I was busy figuring out what I was doing. Next time will be better.

After a short stop at El Pinoy Dive Resort which Bel and the others consider their second home, off we motored to Twin Rocks. This was a comfortable 70 ft dive. No current and corals and colorful fish abound here and there.

We returned to Outrigger dive post with me positively hungry. After lunch, I excused myself to get some sleep. I got really tired in Bahura!

We left for Manila around 5pm with Bel again taking the Tagaytay route. Even if it was close to getting dark, Bel still managed to zig and zag his way through the winding roads. Upon reaching Manila, he and Dong waited with me at the Merville Caltex station until my Dad picked me up. They didnt have to, but they did, which was really nice.

So, that was my weekend. Until the next dive.

2006-10-24T21:44:00.001+08:00

Portion of the lodging at the El Pinoy Dive Resort, previously owned by Gabby Concepcion. Dito daw nabuo si KC. :-D

2006-10-24T21:44:00.000+08:00

a perfect day for a dive. View from El Pinoy Dive Resort

2006-10-24T21:43:00.000+08:00

Outrigger Dock

2006-10-24T21:42:00.000+08:00

Simple but very comfortable accommodation.

2006-10-24T21:41:00.000+08:00

Left to Right: Gio, Mark and Bell. With them around, I feel so protected underwater.

2006-10-24T21:37:00.000+08:00

Obvious ba na bagong gising ako. hehe

2006-10-24T21:34:00.000+08:00

Bel's Dive Plan. Notice the oh not so subtle sexual references to sites. hehe!

2006-10-24T21:31:00.000+08:00

Imagine the beautiful corals and various aquatic animals found beneath these waters.

2006-10-24T21:29:00.000+08:00

Surrounded by bagets divers

2006-10-24T21:25:00.000+08:00

Hmmm, I really look tired.

2006-10-24T21:24:00.000+08:00

Bell Cruzette, my PADI Dive Instructor. He has the patience of a nun sprinkled with a healthy dose of sugar, spice, advise and everything that's nice. In more ways than one, maraming salamat, Bel!

2006-10-24T21:20:00.000+08:00

Dusk at Outrigger Dive Resort

AND LIFE GOES ON....

2006-10-19T13:31:00.000+08:00

I'm going diving in Anilao this weekend, yahoo!!! Its going to be a first for me to go underwater again after I had the bout with Dengue Fever last August. The first time was a wreck dive in Subic where I failed my CESSA drill. Hope this time I get Certified already. I don't know yet if Diving is going to be a part of my lifestlye although one thing I know is that the time being underwater makes me forget all personal concerns and just enjoy being one with the aquatic life. " I come in peace".

Like all newbies, I'm sure I wouldn't stray from Bell, my Dive Instructor. Easy- easy lang until I get the hang of it and I can start being confident going out on dives without him.

By the way, I'd like to say that coping each day gets easier as I continue to focus my energy and concentration elsewhere. It really is very important to be true to oneself and its a liberating feeling knowing that I gave it my all and that I wouldn't have given it any other way.

Will post pictures of Anilao next week...can't wait!

MY HEART'S REFLECTION

2006-10-09T17:45:00.000+08:00

Like my sister at heart, Emzi girl, I'm also tired...tired of giving myself little pep-talks, tired of ignoring, tired of understanding. I'm really weary. The tears still hasn't dried coz my heart can't stop shedding them. I'm the empty entity going about the office looking happy.

When I was a little girl, I thought at 25 years old, I'd already be MADE, as in good job, husband, two kids, dog. At 38 years, I have a (good) job, and a cat. All things considered, and I was given the choice between settling down to start a family or a career advancement, I'd choose family.

And the thought that I may never have my own family, hurts. It really hurts.

HOROSCOPE

2006-09-26T13:34:00.001+08:00

Philippine Star

Gemini (May 21-June21). Self-doubt is a complete waste of time--- and today you have no time to waste. So, lead by the strength of your convictions and let your innate courage guide you into your future.

This was what my horoscope said in today's paper. The past few days has found me coming to terms with things that can never be and making a clear sense of the direction that I should take. Work is fine, there are a lot of things to say about CGAM, both good and bad, but CGAM is the hand that feeds me, the "entity" that is also my refuge, and with that, I am grateful.

Personally, I'm working on pulling myself together, getting the old "Ton" back... the one who's bubbly, cheerful and funny. I lost her, I miss her and I want her to return. My dad noticed the quiet Ton but he credits it to my Dengue episode. I was talking to Candy a while back and she told me a lot of things that made sooo much sense. With her wise words, I learned restraint and the words" it doesn't matter" took on a different meaning for me.

The tears hasn't dried, but it will, and when it happens, I will celebrate.

TULAK NG BIBIG, KABIG NG DIBDIB

2006-09-10T20:49:00.000+08:00

I'm into my second week recovering from the Dengue Fever and so far, so good. I got the results of my platelet count and I have a whopping 336,000 of them inside my gorgeous body. Hehe. Couldn't believe it was down to 24,000 only two weeks ago. Dengue is slowly reaching epidemic proportion in some parts of Metro Manila. Grabe, I'm part of the statistics that the DOH recently released of those people who have acquired Dengue from January to August of this year, most of them children. I also realized that all those days I was confined at Makati Medical, I never once prayed and asked for healing. I guess even my spirituality had sunk to an all time low. I'm sure my parents prayed on my behalf.

Anyway, this post will serve as my last one mentioning my Tagaytay Buddy (TB). I've realized, and have come to terms, that TB can never consider me anything more but just a friend. I told him how I felt and sadly he doesn't feel the same way. It took a lot of guts on my part, admitting how I felt, but I realized that I had to know where I stood with him because being in Limbo is so much worse. A friend told me my body was ready to get sick because my immunity was low due to heartsickness. So, in this thing called Love, I lost again but hey, admitting my feelings for him felt good because it lifted a big load off my chest.

Initially, my first response to my loss was to break contact with him by changing my cell phone number and changing my blog address until I realized that ignoring him was worse because I was missing him too much. So now, I've psyched myself up by telling myself, "Ton, which part of the sentence 'hindi ka niya gusto' ang hindi mo maintindihan?" I've been drumming this sentence into my head for quite some time now and I've been teasing him lately about getting lucky with other women...which I'm sure he has. TB is a very nice guy. I guess I just got carried away and expected too much from him.

Tulak ng bibig, kabig ng dibdib. I want him to choose me but you just don't force these things. I've stopped romanticizing of us ending up together in the future and I've lately been praying again for the right person to come along.

And so to my T.B., my heart continues to beat for you but you don't need to hear that anymore. Thank you for the wonderful times spent together no matter how seldom they were. I will try to be an honest to goodness friend to you and I hope that someday, we both will find our true happiness.

2006-09-02T22:22:00.000+08:00

Tapang tingnan ni Pitchet ko. Actually, he's scared of people and doesn't like staying outdoors.

2006-09-02T22:21:00.000+08:00

Just thought of taking Pitchet's picture just to show you how fatty he has become. Here's one where he's pondering his lifestyle.

2006-09-02T22:18:00.000+08:00

haaay, itong amo ko parang sira....picture ng picture sakin

DEADLY DAY MOSQUITO

2006-08-29T21:18:00.000+08:00

I didn’t realize how prophetic my last post was until I was staring at my own bile last Friday night, August 18. My face was inches away from the toilet bowl, struggling with a 39.5 degree fever, retching my guts out into the bowl, emptying out what’s left of an already empty stomach, while blobs of gastric juices climbed out of my mouth in a steady tempo, the vilest taste of sourness you can ever imagine, cleaving to my tongue.

The natural course of action my parents knew they had to take then was to get me into a hospital, pronto. It was 2 days after the blood tests have been conducted and the fever has gone down to a comfortable 37 degrees somewhat that it was confirmed I contracted the dengue virus.

Me? Dengue? I thought only kids from depressed areas get dengue. Well, hmmm, now that I think about it, in a lot of ways, I still am a kid and I was feeling depressed for quite a while. Hehe, kidding. Anyway, it was 7 days worth of stay at the Makati Medical Center which saw my platelet count drop to 26,000 from a normal range of 150,000, countless blood extractions on my left arm to monitor my platelet count (the veins on this arm collapsed, by the way, due to the frequency of the blood extractions), hourly monitoring of my blood pressure which went down to 80/60 where at some point, the nurse could barely get a pulse, making my mom all weepy and sappy.

My doctor said there’s no medicine for dengue and that my own body would have to produce the platelets attacked by the virus. To help things along, I had 2 blood transfusions. My brother, who is scared to death at the sight of blood, agreed to donate some of his. We’re both Type A Positive, he’s the closest you can get to my own blood type.

And so, the days crept slowly upon me and while I valiantly distracted myself from the discomfort of staying confined in the hospital watching Kris Aquino’s Deal or No Deal, listening to the stories of my friends at work who came to visit (both CGAM and EPCIB friends, Joy Guevara, my cousins who provided their own brand of humor from the time I had my appendectomy when I was 12, Fred’s reassuring phonecalls) deep within my body’s bone marrow subterranean cavities, new platelets by the thousands were furiously being created, working its way up…. from 43k, then 60k then 85k until it reached 140k towards the end of the week.

A terrible 7 days I had, that one. I can’t stress the importance of immunity enough especially with today’s soaring medical bills. Thank God I had myself covered with Maxicare Gold Plan which took care of everything, a whopping P72k megabucks. We should never take our health for granted. I’ve had enough hospital experience to last me the rest of my lifetime….except when the time comes that I give birth, but that’s another story.

OOOPS, I DID IT AGAIN

2006-08-04T08:52:00.000+08:00

I wish I knew how to gather up all the angst and disappointments of my life in one humongous VOMIT then flush it down the toilet.

However, the reality of life is, you need to swallow life's bitter pills with your head held high.

This shows a lot of character and maturity......while deep down inside of you, all you want to do is curl up into a ball and cry.

SMOTHER? ME?

2006-07-22T17:03:00.000+08:00

I was told recently that I have a tendency to smother. S-M-O-T-H-E-R. This word means the same as suffocate, does it? Clingy? Is it true? It was the first time this word was used to describe me.

See, with me, this is how it works. My friendships are really personal, I make sure you know I'm your friend. I text, I call, I email to say hi, how are you, want to have coffee? Not ALL THE TIME, not even ALWAYS, but enough for my friends to know that even if we don't see each other everyday, they're always at the back of my head. When a friend needs a helping hand , a listening ear, a drive home, I provide it. I go the extra mile. When I'm in a relationship, I'm fiercely loyal and loving but not to the point that my world will revolve around him. That's c-r-a-p not to mention unhealthy. But then, if he starts acting strange and distant for some reason and he refuses to talk about it, of course I'll start to bitch (mention to me a woman who won't).

Then the word SMOTHER comes to the conversation????

Whether I smother people close to me or not, I honestly don't know. Someone else has to speak up.

MARUNONG KA NA BA MAG DIVE, TON?

2006-07-13T21:45:00.000+08:00

Gee, I'm having problems writing my opening sentence for this post. The tail and paws of a chocolate tip tabaching siamese cat is competing for the same space on the keyboard. Hang on just a second......

Ok. Its been close to two months since I last posted that I was going to learn how to dive and you may want to know how I fared since then. Well, I already know how to do the following:

Assemble and disassemble scuba gear
Clear the regulator two ways (either you blow or use the purge valve)
Retrieve the regulator two ways in the event it gets yanked off your mouth (sweeping method or reaching out at your back)
No mask breathing (in case the mask gets ripped of your face...I'm still having wee bit problems with this one, I end up gasping air and getting water into my nose)
Mask clearing (when Mask leaks and water goes inside)
Manually inflating BCD (Bouyancy Control Devise)
Removing inflator hose in case BCD suddenly starts to fill up with air while at depth
Entering the water sideways, giant stride and back roll
Equalize Equalize Equalize
Removing a cramp at depth
Towing another diver
Sharing air

What I still can't get the hang off are the following:

Finning. I just can't. The Fins still feel awkward making me swim clumsy. I can't even turn properly thus I have to use my hands to turn me around when I reach the other end of the pool.
Pin Pivot/ Hovering (Bouyancy exercises). The pool is 15 feet deep. Every time I complete one turn on the pool at 15 feet, I find myself touching bottom pool tile.

The Pin Pivot exercise is Bel having me lying face down on the pool tile supported by my hands. Then, as I inhale and exhale, I let go of my hands, and my upper body should rise up and down with the right amount of air on my BCD. SO NOT HAPPENING.

Hovering is when Bel makes me remove my regulator from my mouth to blow air into my BCD until I rise a couple of meters and then staying put (not sinking nor rising) while breathing normally. SO SO SO NOT HAPPENING AT ALL.

Bel is a good dive instructor and I am the classic studyanteng pasaway. Countless times he has warned me to never never never ever break surface too fast, and countless countless countless times I have broken it. Suffice to say, we're not yet finished with our pool session and though Bel is clearly eager to do a check out dive already, he's still not comfortable bringing me anywhere near saltwater. Maybe next month, ok na.

A little footnote on Bel naman para hindi puro ako. Hehe. Bel's been diving for the past 16 years and a dive instructor for the last 11. He tried to be a part of the corporate world but he realized it wasn't for him. I never asked, but he volunteered recently that he's having problems with his girlfriend and that the relationship appears to be headed for splitsville due to communication problems and personal issues.

Eh well, I'm not comfortable enough with him to ask follow-up questions like, "yeah, but do you still love her, or baka you just don't get to spend time together?, maybe you just need time to spend alone, etc etc blah blah blah, coz he might start asking me about my own personal thing and I don't want to answer any of that (besides, I'm presently in a "neither here nor there" kind of set-up, and why I allow it, I don't know, making me the last person on earth to give advise to someone bout such things). He showed me a picture of a very pretty girl and I said something like, "Uuuy, she's very pretty! Sayang naman, try to fix it, bring her with you when you go on your dives", and moved the conversation back to my bouyancy problem.

I looked over at Pitchet who looked straight right back at me with his blue eyes and showed me a big yawn. Time to call it a night for both of us.

DIVING LESSON WITH BEL

2006-06-24T21:55:00.000+08:00

Thursday night, Robelle House, swimming pool, Confined Water Course, second session.

While kneeling down in shallow water and in the middle of a regulator clearing review drill, my Dive Instructor (Bel C.) montioned for me to stop and to go up. On the surface, Bel said that even underwater, he can tell that my mind is pre-occupied with a lot of other things besides our diving lesson. Gee, I must be wearing my worried-slash-glazed-slash zoned out look for Bel to notice that straightaway even from behind a Mask and all my bubbles. The truth was that my mind was shifting to and fro from a hysterical Borrower I was trying to reassure that morning, to recent developments happening in the office, to hoping that this 2nd pool session with Bel would turn out much better that the first one cuz first times are almost always awkward, you agree, people?

So what I did, I dragged Ken Watanabe and the Last Samurai to mind, emptied out everything else, concentrated on Bel and his drills and yehey!! I sputtered less water, (I would still make the mistake of breathing through my nose and not clasping the regulator firmly with my mouth), broke the surface less, and thanked the stars that Bel is a very patient teacher. Hehe!

Will end this post with a Pitchet story. I took a nap this afternoon around 2pm and when I woke up, I felt something warm around my leg. I looked down to find Pitchet asleep, with his paws on top of my leg, in the same manner we humans embrace our second pillow.

2006-06-24T21:09:00.000+08:00

Ivy complained I didn't take enough photos of my Busuanga vacation. I realized, oo nga no. I guess I was too engrossed feeling and experiencing the place that i paid little attention capturing it on XD. Below is the left side of Dimakya Island naman, view from the Treehouse halfway up my Hike to Eagle's Point.

2006-06-24T21:02:00.000+08:00

Hiking Trail leading to Eagle's Point

2006-06-24T20:58:00.000+08:00

Islang walang tawo (or something to that effect). There are 2 or 3 popular uninhabited islands that visitors of club paradise can stay in for a day for some snorkeling and picknicking. Init nga lang coz walang shade. The resort provides beach umbrellas for this purpose. Another island naman has trees as natural protection from the sun.

2006-06-24T20:55:00.000+08:00

The nocturnal animals inhabiting Dimakya Island start to stir as the sun slowly sets, bathing the island in orange colors.

TRIP TO PARADISE

2006-06-20T08:59:00.000+08:00

I turned 38 last June 8 and spent the long weekend in Club Paradise in Dimakya Island in Busuanga. I have always wanted to go to Palawan and this was the chance to go and visit.

Club Paradise was really P A R A D I S E. For one thing, their House Reef was MAJOR AWESOME as In!! There was so much marine life to see while snorkeling!! The staff were very friendly and accommodating but not too intrusive. Their Island Spa was also very relaxing and the food... man, the food was terrific!!!! For 3 days I got to eat Chili Crab, Rosemary Chicken, Honey Spareribs, steamed Lapu-Lapu, Paella and coffee that was ssssoooo good, it was food fit for Royalty!

If you don't feel like snorkeling, there's always the Hiking Trail that can bring you up to the highest point of Dimakya Island where you can see the view 360 degrees! Nice workout also as when you get to the top, you're covered in your own sweat from the climb. On my first hike, I spotted a Calamian Deer!

I'd like to do Dimakya Island again. Maybe like a yearly thing in the same way where Everyone else that I know of flock to Borocay for sun worship.

2006-06-20T00:24:00.000+08:00

Eagle's Point, Club Paradise, Dimakya Island.